Understanding the Other Woman | Esteemology

http://esteemology.com/understanding-the-other-woman/

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Next Up, Mirroring

                                   imitation

I decided the next thing I’ll delve into is mirroring. (Holy shit balls Batman! I could have wrote that entry!) Bear with me as I feel the need to back up a bit. ~ I may edit this one, as I feel it is a bit rambling. ~

While I had a good idea as to what C.B.’s next move would be (involving JR) back in late August see: Oh The Control Freaks, and How I Find Every. Single. One of Them, I was disturbed by what her actions turned out to be. I had hoped she wouldn’t stoop to the level that she did.

As her combative, general nastiness increased at work, and the fact that her and J would soon implode, it did cross my mind that she would move in with JR. I briefly thought that she would go back to the place she (we) lived with her ex who tried to kill her, but she hated the conditions there, so I ruled that out. It was then I got the inkling that she would go live with JR. I talked with my ex husband about it, and got disbelief from him. His opinion was, she knows what he did to me, she knows he’s not a good guy, why would she do that? She has never lived on her own. She talked big about finding her own place because she had never had her own place. But, she’s a future faker, who also can’t be alone. (What’s a future faker? Find out here.) Why would JR let her move in? He’s a narcissistic sociopath who is bent on revenge, and punishing me. What better way to try hurt me then to get together with my “friend”?

Motivation

Yes, she did know what he did to me, and how he acted with me. She saw the show firsthand. She knew that it was a fight for me to pay for anything. I insisted on paying my way, he would fight and argue with me, the kicker being that later on he would say I was using him, that he was “just a wallet.” (This is all part of his running script, women use him for the money he insists upon throwing around, poor guy.) But, to someone who actually uses people for what they can get out of them, this information is gold.

She brags about getting her way, being able to get out of tight spots, by manipulation. (Not over the top bragging, mind you, but it’s there) They had already been talking behind my back when she asked if he had a room to rent, back when I lived with him. She also knew that at that time things got bad for me, with him, since she is one of the people I confided in. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to move in, and JR wouldn’t agree to it because he was worried about her then boyfriend. (I wonder if violent abusers can spot other violent abusers? Probably.) I brushed her off telling her that the room was likely going to D’s friends. So she had already planted that seed well before, hedging her bets.

Back Up Plan (AKA Secondary Supply)

She had moved from her long term boyfriends house, into the other man’s house, and was making sure she had another back up plan. When that plan was (temporarily) thwarted, she later found another in J. They had been spending time together due, legitimately, to work. Which progressed into doing couple type outings outside of work, how convenient.

                          boatdrillingholes

So, she started out by posing as a friend, and then chatting up my boyfriend behind my back. She offers us a lifeline (phone) for my daughter, and eventually a place to get away from JR.

Side note ~ Here’s some more hindsight: going back over so many of the incidents that happened at work, with me being either accused or scrutinized for things, she always had a hand in it with the other flying monkey. Nearly all of those instances came back to her. Started by her and then the flames were fanned by the other FM. Why? Because she wanted full time, and wanted to be promoted. The odd phone call at home asking me about something that I had only second hand knowledge of, from who else? Her. Yet somehow it got pointed at me. The parts I was accused of stealing during the screaming match? Her. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but she did. See: Targeted by the Flying Monkey The clarity after not living in a constant state of anxiety and stress I tell ya. ~

She keeps in contact with JR, while he’s actively stalking and harassing me, to “help” me. When he was into work every other day for eight days, I’m thinking that had a whole lot to do with, you guessed it! Her! Those Sunday visits to my job with the OW, who waited on him? I know, it’s just to easy, but her.

                                     singlewhitefemale

When we moved away from her, I was able to effectively use the Grey Rock Method. Well, she was desperate for a reaction/confrontation from me. So her behavior kept increasing and increasing, culminating in her Jennifer Jason Leigh impression. Putting two and two together, it looks like this:

1) I moved out of her sphere of control.

2) I got my own phone account and my daughter a phone on that account, asked to have my phone moved to my account. (More loss of control)

3) I got the promotion that she wanted (despite her/their best efforts). This sparked more jealousy, envy and rage. She subsequently refuses to acknowledge my authority (I was her superior to begin with), and leads to more undermining behaviors/acting out at work.

4)  I was on the way to getting my own place without her, and without her input.

5) I decided that I could no longer be in a friendship with her, so she was getting no personal info on me. She, and those close to her are blocked on social media. She has no address or correct phone number for me.

I can’t say what the catalyst was that she decided that she wanted what was my life. Repeating of a pattern for her, sure. JR is essentially the same guy as her ex. I’m guessing she saw the stalking as proof of his love for me? She wanted what I had? So bring on dying her hair my color and moving in with my ex? Has she gleened other aspects of my personality? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t seek out any information on or about her.

There you go, he’s yours. That store is all yours too. Keep that batshit crazy over there please.

That’s Not How I Operate

I was thinking the other day that I could go through my posts and label all the tactics. See, look here, that’s triangulation. This right here would be hoovering. Here’s a little gaslighting for ya. And so on and so forth. If anyone else feels like pointing out the different tactics, feel free to do so. It helps to keep our narcdar fine tuned I think. – Constance

I found myself saying that to him a lot at the end. That’s not how I operate. It was a counter to “because that’s what you’re used to.” JR would say to me, “I only did/said (insert fucked up thing here) because that’s what you’re used to.” What started out as, “You deserve it.” in regards to being treated well, being told women make the world go round, bought clothes, taken out to dinner, him trying to pay for everything, and just being a decent guy in general, had turned into that.

Warning: I will be talking about bacterial vaginosis in this one. Just FYI.

What I was actually “used to” was being by myself. I hadn’t dated, much less lived with a love interest for the last thirteen years. After my youngest was born, I had pretty much been celibate for the better part of ten years. My youngest was a surprise, I had been taking the pill every day till I found out. I found out I was pregnant three months after kicking her father out, and getting a domestic violence restraining order against him. The fact that I went from an emotional and verbally abusive marriage, into a physically abusive relationship, freaked me out. I obviously wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, even though it was almost four years after my divorce. So I decided to forget about men and raise my kids by myself.

JR knew this, because I told him most of this in the very beginning during the getting to know you part. I told him that I hadn’t dated in a long time, that I don’t sleep with more than one person at a time. I even told him about the situation with Other Guy. I made it clear that I was used to being in monogamous relationships. I told him how paranoid I am about who I have around my children. That one of my rules is not having anyone I date around my children unless the relationship is serious. I told him I do background checks, check court records, and check the sex offender registry. I told him to look for me, and what he would find when he did look. I told him to look for me to reassure him that I wasn’t like his previous relationships. Now I’m sure I am like his previous relationships, since I don’t believe a word he said about any of them.

It’s easy to sit here and list all the times he screwed up, and all the chances I gave him over and over again. They are glaring points in my mind. Huge red banners that I see now, and wonder what the hell I was thinking. What is difficult to explain is the why. After all the hurt, the good has been difficult to remember.  Even though that’s what I was holding on to after he was showed how cruel he really was. He was amazing when we were together. He was such a great guy. He was sensitive, attentive, and caring. He was fun to be around and we enjoyed spending time together. He wanted a family, he wanted someone to make a life with, all the things that I wanted. It was great to be with him, we had amazing chemistry.

In the beginning he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. It was awesome. I went from a guy who didn’t want to touch me, to someone who couldn’t get enough of me. From someone who could care less if I was sexually satisfied, to someone who made sure that I was, that’s all he worried about during sex. He usually said and did all the right things. I developed feelings for him. I thought the relationship was going somewhere. I thought maybe he just did stupid stuff sometimes. If JR had acted like Other Guy (I should really call him summer guy)  from the beginning, it would have been completely different. If they were horrible right from the beginning, most people wouldn’t stay and put up with that shit. I like to believe that I wouldn’t have.

I don’t know how I forgot this, but by the end of January he was already talking about giving me a key to his house. I didn’t say yes or no to that, I actually acted like he didn’t mention that at all. I thought that was a bit soon to be talking about house keys, we’d only been seeing each other for just over two months. I certainly was not about to give him a key to my place at that point. I hadn’t even introduced him to my kids yet.

I’ve met his parents, he wants me to have keys to his house, he’s acting like I’m the only person he’s seeing.  I have doubts about that, and sleep with other guy two more times. JR ramps up the attention, Other Guy gets a girlfriend and I leave him alone. JR’s spending the night by my house.

Eventually JR and I stop using condoms. This was a huge deal. I hadn’t even told JR that I was on the pill for months. He was worried about a pregnancy, I didn’t have a problem using condoms. I made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen if we were sleeping with other people. When we stopped using condoms the bacterial infections started.  I go to the gyno, because there is no getting rid of it without antibacterial medication. I’ve had them infrequently in the past. I had them so often after we stopped condom use that for a bit we went back to using them. After the first several, I’m asking my gyno why I keep getting these. The first question I was always asked after they knew it was BV was, “Have you had any new sexual partners recently?” I could only speak for myself in saying no. When they seemed chronic my gyno finally said, “It’s your boyfriend.” he also said it was possible that I was allergic to his pre ejaculation, that could be too acidic and throwing off the balance. By some miracle in the coming months I stopped getting these infections. I have a couple of ideas as to why.

By March, he had all but disappeared. We still talked daily, hung out every so often, but a week or so would pass without seeing each other. He was working 16 hour days at times. I was working as much over time as I could. He’s building his room in the basement, which was moving slowly. I’m guessing March is when “B” came into the picture. Early April was a lot of the same, catch as you can. It felt off to me, but I tried not to stress about it. Sometime in here he almost finished his room in the basement. He had a bed and walls, but no doors, but still a room and not sleeping on the couch. He has decided that he’s going to help me quit smoking and get me a fancy expensive ecigarette. There was one week where he wanted to make plans for a Sunday, and then never got back to me. I assumed we were still on for the day, but he texts me saying that he has to help his friend “A” install an oil pump in his truck. Almost immediately after I get another text from him saying, “Have fun at school, can’t wait till 6” I lost it. It was obvious to me that he lied, he made plans with some other chick, and blew me off. Here again I tell him to fuck off. He quickly tries to cover up his mistake, saying that A refers to work as school because everyone there is so immature. Blah blah blah. Deny, deny, deny.

I told him that I didn’t believe him and that it hurt, but I don’t want to see him anymore. I will not abide a liar. He’s still texting me, several times a day. “Good morning” “Hope you had a great day” This is when I first started thinking he’s got me on some list, I’ll bet these are mass texts he’s sending out. Where I thought he was attentive to me, and wanting me to know his days off every week, wanting to make plans with me. Mass. Texts. Every day, to every contact in his phone. I told him to please stop, and he said, “What?” I told him he’s ripping my heart out by still contacting me. He said he wasn’t happy, he doesn’t want it to end, that he still wanted to see me, that really was A, and not some other girl. He’s back to telling my co-worker that he misses me and wants me back, after a few days he just stopped.

I didn’t do well with this. I missed him, even though I was hurt. I had second thoughts and text him asking him to call me because I want to talk. I felt it was the least I could do since that whole exchange was done through text. Nothing. I waited a day or two and gave him a call. He basically told me he wasn’t going to “beg” to be in my life, that he had given up. He still insisted that it really was an oil pump. We talked for a bit, smoothed things over, he told me his days off and wanted to make plans. His days off came and went, with nothing from him. None of the usual “good morning” “good afternoon” “hope you had a great day” texts from him, and no response to mine. I took that as the silent treatment, and was ready to say fuck it again. I told him that no matter how angry I was with him, after New Years I always responded to him. He calls me to go get lunch. He explains that he’d hadn’t slept for something like three days and took a couple sleeping pills from his roommate, and proceeded to sleep for the better part of two days. I accepted his explanation.

Enter the Flying Monkey and Let’s Meet the Parents

                                 circusmonkeys

To start, I am in no way a professional therapist, or shrink. I came by this information from reading everything I can find on the subject of narcissism and sociopaths. The things that I was experiencing in the relationship with JR made no sense to me at all. Some of the behaviors were a little too familiar to me, but it wasn’t until I moved and a friend of mine told me, “IT’S NOT YOU!!” That’s when I learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, and when everything he did finally made sense! She’s one of several of my sanity savers. If it wasn’t for my good friend “Angel” who let us move in, and my friend “Tanny” I don’t know where or how we would be right now.

I knew of flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I’ve never thought of people as flying monkeys until recently. In the terms of narcissism/sociopath, a flying monkey is someone the narcopath sends out to do their dirty work for them. Abuse by proxy. They’ll send their monkeys to gather information about the target and report back to the narc. They might have their flying monkeys do things to the target. The narcopath will use anyone that they possibly can as a flying monkey. Everyone in the narcopath’s life serves a purpose and are in compartments, as least that’s how it is with JR. Here is a great explanation of abuse by proxy/flying monkeys:  http://almosttuesday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/abuse-by-proxy-abuse-by-stalking/ Why or how this particular friend/co-workers of MINE is a flying monkey of his, becomes clearer as time goes by. It was not something I identified until after I moved out.

This post is a little on the rambling side, please bear with me.

I didn’t want to see or talk to him anymore so he went to MY friend/co-worker. She had been the one to sort of set us up in the first place. I was tired of the guy that I had been dealing with the previous summer. (He was a piece of work himself. Another indication that I need to work on ME.) She knew this great guy. He had experience with kids since he’d had custody of his nieces for two years. He had a steady job, vehicle, and owned his own house. He really seemed to have his shit together. She gave him my number, aaaaaaaaand he never got a hold of me. I’d told her that if he wanted to talk to me that he needed to contact me first. I should have stuck to my guns. A couple of weeks went by and still nothing. I spent Thanksgiving by my friend’s house, drank some wine on an empty stomach and sent a “Happy Thanksgiving” text to JR. (I know, ugh) It was my first holiday in a new city, and it had been the first Thanksgiving I didn’t spend with family. I’ll address the family business later.

I’m not talking to him after the New Years incident and he starts working on my friend, telling her how miserable he is, blah blah blah. This is the same girl who made the point at New Years that him and I weren’t exclusive. I went and slept with the guy that I was dealing with the summer before. Not the healthiest, or most mature decision I could make, I own that. I had decided that I had been putting myself in a monogamous relationship where I was the only one being monogamous.  Up till then I was too available to JR, as he often called me last minute to go do things instead of making plans in advance. I started turning him down when he did that since I felt like I was the back up girl. I didn’t believe his bullshit about De, and it would take him months to admit to what I already figured out. (Like I said, it should have ended here.) I slept with other guy two more times, (in February) and was determined not to feel guilty about it. I decided to give JR another chance. Maybe he was telling the truth. (NOT!) Perhaps it was a miscommunication. (Not in the least.) We were not exclusive. I’m back to seeing him.

I should mention that up until about mid January, when we spent time together it was just the two of us. There were a couple of times I invited him out with my friends, but he already had plans. I finally met “D” the roommate at one of the Monday nights at Hooters. (JR’s Monday night ritual.) I hadn’t been around any of his other friends since his birthday party, he hadn’t even attempted.

We went out once, towards the end of January, with his friends “L” and “A”, a married couple a bit younger than JR. (I should mention that I am almost 10 years older than JR.) They weren’t at his birthday, I had never met them before. I was happy because it seemed like he had been hiding me. At that point he hadn’t told me that L and A were swingers, not that that’s something people really advertise. I remember going back to JR’s house that night and he told me that L texted him telling him I was really sexy. I just said thanks. There were some other comments through the course of the evening that I dismissed as jokes. Supposedly JR’s parents are swingers. He told me that early on, probably the first night at bowling. I remember him telling me that it freaked him out so much at the time that he went to live with his grandfather as a teenager. His parents are “hippies”, and that’s what he grew up around.

Meeting the Parents

In early February I was spending the night by his house at least twice a week. At this point we were seeing each other often, at least three days a week. I believe it was the week before Valentine’s Day when I first met his dad. There was no warning, or discussion. JR asked if I wanted to go catch lunch, I met him at the fast food place and surprise! There’s his dad. To me, meeting parents is a significant thing. That is usually an indication that things are getting serious.  When I had to take my car in to have the control arm fixed, he had his mom give me a ride to the shop since he was at work. Now I’ve met both parents. This was confusing to me.

I did introduce him to my youngest after meeting his parents, it was a brief interaction.  I didn’t introduce him to my oldest till much later. (She lives with her dad.) He took me out to buy me sexy underwear and a corset because “you deserve it.”  – I heard that a lot in the beginning, “You deserve it.”  Our Valentine’s Day (before the 14th) was a Die Hard movie marathon at the theater, where he repeatedly tried to get me to have sex with him anywhere in the theater. I was game for the movies, no way for the sex. I kept telling him I didn’t want to get banned from my favorite theater. That day he had another friend who needed a place to stay, move in. JR decided to build a room in the basement and gave his friend his bedroom. In the meantime JR is sleeping on the couch in the living room. Some where around this time is when I first hear about his “friend” JC, who he describes as his clone. De has been labeled as a “gold digger” who wants a sugar daddy. He claims to not see her any more, and doesn’t talk to her often.

Because of all the time we were spending together, and meeting his parents, I was feeling guilty about other guy. I asked again what he considered us. Was I a booty call, or something casual, or what. He told me he didn’t at all consider me a booty call, what we had was more than that, but he was still “rolling with it.” He wouldn’t elaborate as to what that meant. He also said, “I don’t like putting a label on things.” I asked if he introduces all his friends to his parents, he said that he didn’t. He felt I was “special” and that’s why he wanted me to meet them. He wanted to know if there was competition. I told him no, as I only wanted to be with JR. After that conversation I came to the conclusion that he was in fact seeing other people, even though he was acting like he wasn’t. Other guy made it known he now had a girlfriend, so I left him alone.