Understanding the Other Woman | Esteemology



Next Up, Mirroring


I decided the next thing I’ll delve into is mirroring. (Holy shit balls Batman! I could have wrote that entry!) Bear with me as I feel the need to back up a bit. ~ I may edit this one, as I feel it is a bit rambling. ~

While I had a good idea as to what C.B.’s next move would be (involving JR) back in late August see: Oh The Control Freaks, and How I Find Every. Single. One of Them, I was disturbed by what her actions turned out to be. I had hoped she wouldn’t stoop to the level that she did.

As her combative, general nastiness increased at work, and the fact that her and J would soon implode, it did cross my mind that she would move in with JR. I briefly thought that she would go back to the place she (we) lived with her ex who tried to kill her, but she hated the conditions there, so I ruled that out. It was then I got the inkling that she would go live with JR. I talked with my ex husband about it, and got disbelief from him. His opinion was, she knows what he did to me, she knows he’s not a good guy, why would she do that? She has never lived on her own. She talked big about finding her own place because she had never had her own place. But, she’s a future faker, who also can’t be alone. (What’s a future faker? Find out here.) Why would JR let her move in? He’s a narcissistic sociopath who is bent on revenge, and punishing me. What better way to try hurt me then to get together with my “friend”?


Yes, she did know what he did to me, and how he acted with me. She saw the show firsthand. She knew that it was a fight for me to pay for anything. I insisted on paying my way, he would fight and argue with me, the kicker being that later on he would say I was using him, that he was “just a wallet.” (This is all part of his running script, women use him for the money he insists upon throwing around, poor guy.) But, to someone who actually uses people for what they can get out of them, this information is gold.

She brags about getting her way, being able to get out of tight spots, by manipulation. (Not over the top bragging, mind you, but it’s there) They had already been talking behind my back when she asked if he had a room to rent, back when I lived with him. She also knew that at that time things got bad for me, with him, since she is one of the people I confided in. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to move in, and JR wouldn’t agree to it because he was worried about her then boyfriend. (I wonder if violent abusers can spot other violent abusers? Probably.) I brushed her off telling her that the room was likely going to D’s friends. So she had already planted that seed well before, hedging her bets.

Back Up Plan (AKA Secondary Supply)

She had moved from her long term boyfriends house, into the other man’s house, and was making sure she had another back up plan. When that plan was (temporarily) thwarted, she later found another in J. They had been spending time together due, legitimately, to work. Which progressed into doing couple type outings outside of work, how convenient.


So, she started out by posing as a friend, and then chatting up my boyfriend behind my back. She offers us a lifeline (phone) for my daughter, and eventually a place to get away from JR.

Side note ~ Here’s some more hindsight: going back over so many of the incidents that happened at work, with me being either accused or scrutinized for things, she always had a hand in it with the other flying monkey. Nearly all of those instances came back to her. Started by her and then the flames were fanned by the other FM. Why? Because she wanted full time, and wanted to be promoted. The odd phone call at home asking me about something that I had only second hand knowledge of, from who else? Her. Yet somehow it got pointed at me. The parts I was accused of stealing during the screaming match? Her. I had absolutely nothing to do with it, but she did. See: Targeted by the Flying Monkey The clarity after not living in a constant state of anxiety and stress I tell ya. ~

She keeps in contact with JR, while he’s actively stalking and harassing me, to “help” me. When he was into work every other day for eight days, I’m thinking that had a whole lot to do with, you guessed it! Her! Those Sunday visits to my job with the OW, who waited on him? I know, it’s just to easy, but her.


When we moved away from her, I was able to effectively use the Grey Rock Method. Well, she was desperate for a reaction/confrontation from me. So her behavior kept increasing and increasing, culminating in her Jennifer Jason Leigh impression. Putting two and two together, it looks like this:

1) I moved out of her sphere of control.

2) I got my own phone account and my daughter a phone on that account, asked to have my phone moved to my account. (More loss of control)

3) I got the promotion that she wanted (despite her/their best efforts). This sparked more jealousy, envy and rage. She subsequently refuses to acknowledge my authority (I was her superior to begin with), and leads to more undermining behaviors/acting out at work.

4)  I was on the way to getting my own place without her, and without her input.

5) I decided that I could no longer be in a friendship with her, so she was getting no personal info on me. She, and those close to her are blocked on social media. She has no address or correct phone number for me.

I can’t say what the catalyst was that she decided that she wanted what was my life. Repeating of a pattern for her, sure. JR is essentially the same guy as her ex. I’m guessing she saw the stalking as proof of his love for me? She wanted what I had? So bring on dying her hair my color and moving in with my ex? Has she gleened other aspects of my personality? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t seek out any information on or about her.

There you go, he’s yours. That store is all yours too. Keep that batshit crazy over there please.

Extracting Poison

The week I left I wanted to make him hurt like he hurt me, or humiliate him, out him to “Al” his side piece. I had all sorts of ideas. I thought about taking salt and writing “cheater” in the snow on his front lawn. I wanted to print a bunch of signs with different words to tape to the walls of his bedroom. Words like: selfish, self centered, liar, cheater, genital warts, con artist, deceiver, phony, prick, asshole, user, sadistic, high risk, abuser, vicious, cruel, whore. I wanted to print his many dating/swinger profiles and tape them up along with all those words, plaster his bedroom walls with them. Knowing she would see them first, since they’d run and duck in his basement bedroom right after coming into the house. I think that was the most creative idea I had. One of my friends suggested sticking a piece of fish in the box spring of his bed to rot. I thought of telling Al to google search his screen name, or phone number so that she would find his numerous active dating profiles.

I did none of those things.

What I wanted more was to get out and get far away from this evil person (for lack of a better term) who delighted in hurting us. We didn’t spend another night in that house. I went back to get my belongings, when he was at work and only the roommate was home. I took what was important to me and left the rest. Just the thought of having to go back to that house, even when he wasn’t there, started me shaking.

I had nightmares the first month that I was out, that is when I was able to sleep. I’m finally sleeping, without the nightly use of sleep aids, for the last three weeks. I started taking vitamin D3 and vitamin B complex daily. I believe it’s helped my mood and my sleeping.

I have gradually started doing the things I wasn’t allowed to do while I was with him. Like talking to people outside of work, reading, reading and more reading. Reconnecting with friends, spending time with my kids, watching TV, and walking.

The weight is still falling off. I’m eating, drinking protein shakes daily, and eating junk food. I think there’s still too much stress. I don’t own a scale, so I don’t know exactly how much I weigh. Note to self, buy bathroom scale.

I no longer think of him, or what he’s done constantly through out the day. Though there’s some days I have to take 5 minutes at a time. I’m recognizing triggers, which is helping. I’m not walking around in a state of disbelief like I was right after.

I keep hoping he’ll stop, finally just leave me alone, instead of coming back to twist the knife.

In the beginning or lets count the red flags, shall we?

There were many red flags that I ignored, or simply let slide. I accept responsibility for that. There were several times that I should have run. Shoulda woulda coulda. Crystal clear hindsight.

To start, he wasn’t clear about what he was looking for, even when asked. He said he needed more “friends”. He actually made quotation marks with his fingers in the air when he said that. That had me wondering what kind of friends was he talking about? Naked friends? Platonic friends? Girlfriends? But I didn’t ask exactly what kind of friends he meant. When I’m first getting to know people I’m very quiet, until I get a feel for them. The first few times that we hung out it was casual and platonic.  I spent the time listening mostly about his last relationship, which he said ended about a month and a half before. Through the course of the evening he talked about all three “situations” he’d been in. Because his last relationship had just ended, I thought he wouldn’t want to jump into dating right away. Via text he told me that “yes, I’ve only been with 3 women.” Making it sound like that’s the number of sexual partners/relationships that he’s had. That is far from the case.

The Exs

We went bowling the first time out. He told me about his exs that night. Meet #1, #2 and #3. No names, hes numbered them.

The Schizophrenic Ex #3

He told me his ex “P” (I won’t name anyone.) was schizophrenic, and off her medication. He’d tried to get her to go back on her meds, she just wouldn’t. He’d talked to her mother about getting her back on her medication, it didn’t help. She was fine while she was on it, but when she wasn’t he just couldn’t handle it. She had kicked him out of HIS bedroom, in his own house! He was sleeping in the basement. He’d heard a phone conversation through the heating vent of her making plans with the person she was cheating with. She’d put tracking software on his computer. When I asked him why he said it was “because she didn’t believe I was a sympol man.” (His spelling, not mine.) He’d had her removed from the house, by police, because she just wouldn’t move out. She cheated on him with her drug dealer. Their relationship had been over for months, she “just didn’t tell him.” She used him for money and for a place to stay. He was just a “tool”. Before he kicked her out he had cleaned out a spot in his (packed) garage, unknown to her, so that he could park his car in there. She was so crazy that he was afraid that if he parked his car in his driveway, she was sure to do something to it.

The One Who Pulled a Gun on Him #2

He didn’t have a whole lot to say about “T”. He said they’d been together for 5 years, it seemed this was his longest lasting “situation”. (He doesn’t have relationships, he has situations.) He co-signed for a car for her. His name is still on the title and she owes him $2,500. (Her name is still on his dry erase board in his living room for people who owe him money.) He checks every month to be sure that she’s made her payments. He knows where she lives because of the parking tickets the car gets. He offered to give me the car the first time we hung out, saying that if she didn’t make the payments he would go get it. Initially when he spoke about the car I thought he meant he got it for the most recent ex “P”, found out later that wasn’t the case. He didn’t call “T” crazy, but said that she did pull a gun on him. Why? “Because she thought I was going to marry her and I didn’t.” This is the only ex that he didn’t say cheated on him. His reason for breaking up with her, “She became too much like her dad.” Whatever that was supposed to mean. He supposedly still works with her father.

The One He Married #1

They dated in high school, and they got married soon after. The day of the wedding his mom went up to the hotel room that #1 “J” had, to get ready. “J” didn’t answer the door for well over a half hour. Not only did she cheat that day, but she had been cheating, and he still went through with the wedding. He was going to go on the honeymoon to South Carolina by himself but she insisted upon coming with. One of his favorite stories is telling people that he spent his whole honeymoon drinking strawberry moonshine in a hot tub, screaming at her to shut up. And he wants to go paint balling in the wedding dress, that he still has. “J” cheated on him again, during the marriage, with one of her college classmates, who was married with a family. He caught them in the act on more than one occasion and went so far as to confront the other man at his house, in front of his wife. “J” started the house on fire. She piled a bunch of phone books on top of the stove and started a fire in the kitchen before leaving. He slept in his car for something like 3 months, in the winter time, while they fixed the house. “J” also parked the Grand Marquis in middle of the back yard, with the keys locked inside. He loved that he drove the car, which he trashed (because she loved it so) to the divorce hearings, and she got to see how bad it looked.

So I had my doubts. It put me off how much he talked about #3, and that she was “crazy”. I thought we probably were not  in the same place, that he likely wasn’t ready for a relationship. Even still, I kept seeing him for the next month, usually at least once or twice a week. We talked every day, via text. I got texts every morning and every night from him. He was very consistent, and the attention was nice. Yet every time we were together he would say something about “P”. Every time. He always brought her up in conversation. She’s still texting him, he’s had to tell her to stop or he’ll change his phone number. She’s threatening him via text. About a month in, him and I became sexual. Two weeks later, at Christmas he’d told me that he’d gotten drunk and was texting “P”. He didn’t initiate it, but was responding to her, which he usually (supposedly) didn’t do. That, of course, made me feel like crap. His behavior towards me otherwise was very attentive, and affectionate. When my heat wasn’t working properly in the middle of winter at my apartment he asked if me and my daughter wanted to spend the night. I passed, and went and got a space heater instead.

Before him, I hadn’t dated anyone for a very long time. My youngest is 13 years old, and she had never seen me with someone for her entire life. I have various reasons for this. I’m super paranoid who I have around my children, platonic friends included. I don’t think you can be too careful nowadays. I’ve read too many news stories about the boyfriend/close family friend who beat/killed/raped/molested someones child. That is NOT going to be my kids, not if I can help it, and definitely not someone who I invited to be in my children’s lives. I have made bad relationship choices in the past, emotionally abusive and then physically abusive. I decided to focus on raising my kids by myself and trying to fix me. I made a decision a long time ago that I would not have any guy I date around my children unless the relationship is serious and has a future. I do background checks on anyone I consider, including looking them up on the sex offender registry. He passed all these checks, and I figured he would, because of his job as a corrections officer.