A question I got yesterday, about being the focus of a stalker. “Is it because they really like you or is it because they hate you?”
My response was, “It’s about power and control. Possibly because the person is desperately grasping that power back.”
I have no delusions, it’s not because they love me so much! Things like obsession, controlling, dominating, and monitoring don’t stir up cozy, safe or loving feelings in me. It has the opposite effect and throws up alarms, as it should.
I’ve been told more than once that “it must have been good”, I guess meaning the sex must have been that good that they refuse to move on and let me go. It’s an ignorant remark, but shows how little people know, or even care to know about abusers.
More to come on this subject.
Holly Jacobs had reached a point of desperation when, in 2012, she fired off the e-mail that would set so very many things in motion. Jacobs’ ex-boyfriend had posted nude images of her online that — in the truest sense of the word — had gone viral, spreading like an uncontainable infection across the scantily-clad parts of the Web. Intimate, private moments she had captured and shared with an ex were now picking away at her reputation every time someone Googled her. Even changing her name didn’t stop them from haunting her. Jacobs was in search of a remedy.
As recounted later in an essay, Jacobs discovered through online searching that what she experienced had a name, “revenge porn,” and that there were other people — most of them anonymous and most of them women — that were victims of it, too.
Aiming to exploit and embarrass, hackers or vengeful exes would post the X-rated…
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Life with a controlling partner can become a twisted world where bad is good, down is up, and wrong is right. Many women over the years have said to me, “My partner tells me that I’m the one abusing him. How do I know if it’s him or me?”
Read the following concepts, taking a deep breath after each one so that you can absorb it.
One: You are not responsible for his behavior. You do not make him do things. His actions are his own choice.
Two: You deserve to be treated well even when you make mistakes, and even if you make them a lot.
Three: Setting firm, clear limits for how your partner is allowed to treat you is not the same thing as controlling him, and should not be called control.
Four: Choosing to not always put your partner’s needs ahead of your…
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How the abuser behaves when the victim is on the cusp of leaving
Let’s consider the abuser’s sudden nice behavior when he has either been told by the victim that she is leaving, or he suspects that she may leave. I would like to suggest that the abuser’s new acts of kindness have nothing to do with a repentant heart, as the church often wants victims to believe, but rather the abuser’s improved behavior is the sign of stalking behavior.
“Oh, now wait,” you may be thinking, “Not stalking? That’s a bit harsh? Isn’t stalking what a really bad guy does when he becomes obsessed with a woman he doesn’t really even know that well, and he ends up abducting and killing her?” Well, that is what movies often portray, but in fact, no, that is a myth. De Becker describes stalking as having two broad categories: unwanted pursuit by a…
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