What Are “Flying Monkeys” or Abuse by Proxy Part 1

For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why the one post – https://thephoenixagain.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/enter-the-flying-monkey-and-lets-meet-the-parents – was getting so many reads. More often then not, in my stats, the search terms that lead people here are encrypted, but every once in a while “flying monkey” will show up.


What Makes Someone a Flying Monkey?

I think it is the intent/purpose behind the action. Most normal people don’t manipulate or purposefully use other people to get what they want. So, normally “helping” doesn’t make someone a flying monkey.

But if you’re searching for information on the internet about Flying Monkeys, you’re likely not dealing with a “normal” person. Or, you’re just really stoked about the Wizard of Oz.

I personally had not heard that term in this context until I joined a support group for victims of narcissists and sociopaths. But it definitely makes sense.

A quick Google search of “abuse by proxy” lead me to these (all excellent explanations):

Urban Dictionary

Out of the Fog

About.com Divorce Support

Yahoo Voices

In The Aftermath


In my experience with JR’s Flying Monkeys, I believed one of them didn’t realize that he was being used as such, although, after this past week I’ve changed my mind about that.

I tried to warn him, it fell on deaf ears. (As is usually the case.) I told him that I wasn’t going to tell him who to be friends with. That if he wants to be friends with JR that he can not tell JR ANYTHING about me. Even if it seemed that it wasn’t anything important, he was not to speak of me to JR at all. Within two weeks of leaving JR, “P” was asking pointed questions about who I’m dating. (No one.) In the end I told him that I’m not friends with JR’s friends, and stopped talking to him about anything personal, and he quit/walked off the job. (He was one of my co workers. Him quitting had nothing to do with me.) My thought was that he is very, very naive, and gullible. As of a few short weeks ago, if you asked him about JR he would tell you, “He’s not a bad guy at all!”  “He’s a great guy!” These are things that “P” told my one co worker after he had been lamenting that I didn’t want to be friends with him any longer. I said to my co worker, “Great guys don’t post naked pictures of their ex’s on the internet. Great guys don’t pretend to be you while they text men to set you up for a sexual encounter, to possibly be harmed.” “Great guys don’t continually stalk and harass you after you’ve left them.” Yea, he’s such a great guy. I also said, “He (P) obviously got such a “great” friend out of it, so why the hell is he complaining about loosing me as a friend?”

My other co worker “D” on the other hand, loves drama, and actively and knowingly participated/reveled in being JR’s Flying Monkey. She was the one who sort of got us talking in the first place. She loved hearing all the dirt and goings on in the relationshit, but suddenly took his side and started targeting me at work, after I moved out. She is definitely a “kick ’em when they’re down” type of person. I didn’t come to that conclusion lightly.

She set us up. More like she pawned him off on me. He had been coming into work to talk to her. I was never there when he did this, before him and I started dating I had only seen him at work a few times. At that point I had been there for almost two years. Back then I didn’t work every Sunday, like I do now. He would come in to talk to her, actively pursuing her, (she is in a relationship) trying to get her to go hang out with him. I now know that he was still in a live in relationship with “P” during that time.

He’s Such a Great Guy!

He told her that he was new to the area, and didn’t know many people. (He’s lived in that city his entire life. Lived in the house that he supposedly owns for many years, approximately 15) He told her that he’d had custody of his nieces for 2 years because the State was going to take them away from his sister. (That is a lie. He never had custody of his nieces. I think he was trying to appeal to her assumed mothering instinct – which is funny because she actually doesn’t want children.) I don’t know exactly what he told her about his relationship at the time, if he said anything at all I’m sure he lied about that too. But these were the things she told me, to sell him to me.

Fast forward to the months before I gave up my apartment to live with him. I was unsure about doing this. Mostly due to the fact that his actions were not matching his passionate words. He was insistent that he wanted us to live there. He had been calling his house “our house” for many months. We had keys to his house. He was insistent that the relationship was serious. Yet any time we did something that was cementing that supposed commitment, he would act out in some way. It made no sense to me. Because of that I voiced my concern to who I considered my friends. I wasn’t going to move in if he was offering out of obligation. No, I didn’t have electricity at my apartment, but we were fine there. I would have gotten it taken care of before the cold months.

“D” (Flying Monkey) asked me if I wanted her to talk to him. I told her NO. I would talk to him myself. We’re not in high school, and I had no issue discussing that with him myself. She went over there under the guise of helping him clean out the basement, where he was supposedly building a room for my youngest (his way of proving to me that he wanted us there) and questioned him about it anyhow. Of course she didn’t tell me this, JR told me this after I got home from work. It was pointed, as if I had sent her to do this. Then it was me defending myself, telling him that I specifically told her not to do that.

I talked with her about this the next time I saw her, and guess what? She was pissed. “That was between me and him. I can’t believe he told you about that.” She couldn’t fathom that MY boyfriend told me that they were discussing OUR relationship. How was MY relationship between her and MY boyfriend?? It gets better! When JR told me why he wanted us to live there, it was the complete opposite of what “D” ended up telling me. So who was telling the truth?!? They’re both liars. JR claims to be “an open book” where as “D” constantly brags about lying. Both are pathological liars.

The Mask Slips. Enter Mr. Hyde

Fast forward again to November. He’s already told us to “get the fuck out” once, that was two weeks after I gave up my apartment. This is when the “good times” were very, very short. The rages, being called a “fucking bitch” all the time, him consistently being pissed off for what ever reason, lasted much longer then the “loving” periods. I was constantly defending my children to him, having to correct him because of the abuse he was spewing at my kids. I was at the point where I knew that we couldn’t live like that. “D” is telling me to just stick it out and wait for tax time when I could then move again. I told her no. I was not going to do that. If I’m not in a relationship with him, I’m not going to live with him. I won’t keep putting my kids through that. It would have gone against my standards.

December 10th D’s boyfriend checks himself into mental health. I’d gotten a manic phone call from him at 6:30 in the morning. Months previous to this he’d sent out text messages to me and Angel, talking about wanting to hurt himself. After that he’d been evaluated and they diagnosed him as bi polar. The morning he called I told him that if he couldn’t calm down, then he needed to go check himself in, which he did. I then got a hold of “D” (at work) to let her know what happened. This was all happening when JR and I broke up, and he’s having his side piece spend the night. I was a wreck, that was a lot of stuff going on all at once.

I wanted to visit “S” in the hospital, and made plans to do so. I asked “D” if I could go with her since I wasn’t driving at that time. She picks me up, and on the way to the hospital, out of left field, she starts asking me questions about Summer Guy. Right then I knew that she had talked to JR, and that he was telling her that I cheated on him with Summer Guy, to justify his actions with his side piece. I told her that I hadn’t talked to Summer Guy in months. As far as I know he’s doing alright. Then she tells me that she had talked to JR the night before, because she was down. That JR could sympathize with her (he cannot) and blah blah blah. That was the end of that “friendship” with “D”. That’s when the targeting at work started.

JR had often used “D” for triangulation. If anything went wrong, no matter what it was, he would text her boo hooing. She would then come to me at work and say, “I always know when you guys are having a problem because he’ll text me out of the blue. Don’t tell him that I said anything though.” The huge difference between triangulation and venting or talking to a friend is, again, the intention behind it. He would manipulate her, in order to get to me. Most adults (emotionally mature people) go straight to the source.

Up next, part 2

Targeted by The flying Monkey


3 thoughts on “What Are “Flying Monkeys” or Abuse by Proxy Part 1

  1. I should have read part 1 before part two…oh well… This was good. I always find something in common with your experience…in this one, it’s the psychopath insisting that you move in with him and let him help you with your children…yep…heard that. Psychopath was a stepfather from hell-he hated my children and admittedly kicked them each out at the age of 16 (to live with bio dad, who is NOT a psychopath). I knew there was abuse-though I was silent…I was thankful that their dad was able to “save” them. God had His hand on this…because I sure didn’t know what I was doing in the dark-in the fog…💜


    • I should have labeled it properly.

      I was thankful my oldest lived with her dad. I shudder to think what could have happened had she been in that household 24/7. As it was he was extremely jealous of me spending time or talking with anyone who wasn’t him, including my children.


      • Your labeling was fine…they come up in reverse order on my reader and I start reading from last to first…I’ll learn…just get over-excited catching up😉 I can say that the effect of living in it on my oldest was heartbreaking. She turned to drugs and sex-and into an extremely violent relationship of her own…I can’t say there was a direct cause-effect, but I was not the strong mother she needed while I was jumping through hoops trying to be the fertile, housekeeping, money making, sex goddess that the abuser required. She turned out fine after all that…learned some from my mistakes. My heart is full of gratitude for that!

        Liked by 1 person

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