That Was Very Interesting

I thought on what I wanted to say to P (the ex before me) for a couple of days before messaging her. In essence I said that if she never wanted to meet me, I completely understand. That when I messaged her I was afraid,  desperate,  the PTSD was in full force, insomnia & nightmares when I could sleep, and unhealthy weight loss.

But, I’m not in that same place now. That him killing her pet verified to me, what I already knew, that there is no “line” he won’t cross in order to make me pay. That I will act accordingly.

I told her that even though I didn’t get the permanent order, the temporary order is still on the public record. I’m happy about that, at least it’s a warning to anyone else who’s of a mind to look him up, like I did before deciding to date him. If I had seen that, I never would have gotten involved with him.

We met up tonight and talked for about three, maybe three and a half hours. She definitely picked up on how he took parts of her personality,  her likes, and incorporated them into his persona. I made note of how doing so is another attempt at showing up places that she’s likely to be,  with numerous/various females in tow. P wondered what aspects of my personality he has claimed and is now passing off as his to this next one. I have no idea, and hadn’t thought about that at all up till now.

He did have a lot of the same controlling behaviors with both of us. He insists upon paying for nearly everything, and then when angry, turns around and holds it against you. Accusing you of using him. He’s “just a wallet”. (So much projection) But, I think he freaked out about my phone way more then hers, again projection.

He triangulated her with her family. Since he didn’t have access to my family of origin,  he used my friends/co workers. I think he didn’t continue to show up at her job because she has permission to toss him out, where I don’t.

I tried to explain that even though I think he’s dangerous,  I’m not living in fear of him. That if he wants to keep up his shit, he will slip up and then I’ll nail him. So I’m just biding my time. It’s a slippery slope saying “I’m not scared of him.” My thought being that someone will misconstrue that to mean there’s no reason for a restraining order,  when there is.

I was frustrated again last night with my memory, and how much confusion and my lack of a coherent time line. My memory was never an issue, I can remember things from when I was two years old. But recounting the year I spent with him is difficult,  especially from July of last year until I left in December. The amount of verbal, emotional abuse,  the gaslighting, all the lies make it difficult. That was a part of the reason I started this blog. To write it out, to have a coherent time line.

I’ve been putting off recounting the relationship,  only interjecting instances of his behaviors when something current reminds me. Mostly because of the shame I feel as to what he was able to persuade me to do. Shame and fear of judgment. 

In the end, I’m glad we talked. I think she is as well. She had more questions of me then I had of her. She tried to give me her bear mace, but I declined. I want to get my own.

These people pick good people and set out to destroy them.

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6 thoughts on “That Was Very Interesting

  1. I am glad you got to have the conversation…I had similar thoughts of at least leaving a paper trail for the next victim to find. I wish I had done more investigation on the front end. For regaining memory, Not much fun, but I isolated memories into compartments according to type of abuse…physical, sexual, emotional, financial… And started there. Then I moved to the same with the abuse of the kids, including neglect, encouraging hate/violence, brainwashing. I really enjoy sharing in your journey💜

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    • That’s a good way to start, they’re so jumbled right now. Even trying to give examples of how he treated my children is difficult.

      I’m so great full for you, and the others who I’ve connected with who understand. Even though I still have a long way to go in healing, I don’t think I would be where I am without you all. ❤

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      • If you ever need to write and share the “ickies”, feel free to email. My yuck stuff went onto an interogatory which became part of public record…talk about shame! It jump-started the healing-writing it out and facing it-processing it with someone. 💜💙

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      • Will do. Part of me wants to put it all out there. In my adult life I’ve been honest to a fault, usually telling all, good bad or indifferent. Reading up on healthy boundaries lately, I now know it’s not healthy to do that with people. I do have a certain amount of anoniminity (come on spell check, help me out) on here, and my friends know all the gory details. I’ve also found that there are several survivors whose abuser wanted the same with, so it’s not uncommon. I have a draft that I started months ago, detailing about last spring, I’m going to go ahead an post it. Break free from the shame, and let others know they aren’t the only one. ❤

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  2. You are brave! Hug! Hope you take time to think of other things than the abuser. I noticed that my PTSD finally got better lately, after I started grieving. Don’t know if it helps, but … maybe I should write an entry about it… 🙂

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    • I’ve been doing so much better with that. He’s not in my thoughts any where near as much as he was before. But every two weeks. ..

      It has been a little more lately, due to communication with P. But I’m not filled with dread, or as much anxiety about it.

      You totally should write an entry. 🙂

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