Prepare Yourself for Backlash When Going No Contact [Advice for Adult Children]

The Invisible Scar

bus-rider

When the adult survivor of emotional child abuse decides to take a break (whether temporary or permanent) from the birth family, that decision may come to a shock to people in their social circles. From the outside of the family circle—and even within it, at times—everything has looked perfect, tidy, and loving. To all who gaze at the birth family, the portrait of a good and loving family is all they see.

In that light, the decision to take a break may seem out of nowhere. However, that life-changing, painful decision has not come lightly. Many adult children have agonized over the decision, discussed it with mental health professionals, and also gone back to analyze all the years of small events and large ones leading to this drastic measure.

And when the adult survivor of emotional child abuse separates themselves from the birth family, they often upset the family’s self-image…

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Targeted by The Flying Monkey Abuse by Proxy Part 2

Christmas Eve Antics 13 days After Leaving

Over Christmas my boss was on vacation. I had already talked to him about JR, and let him know that JR’s next move would be to jeopardize my job. See Christmas Eve Antics. Everyone at work knew what JR did on Christmas Eve, and not just because I told them. The person JR was texting that day called work looking for me and told them, since we all knew “M”. When my boss came back I told him what JR had done, and that he would likely start up full force.

The Blame Game and Some Triangulation

It was after this that “D” started blaming me for everything and anything that went wrong in the store. I didn’t even have to be there! I got a phone call at home, on my day off, telling me that I did something I didn’t do, that I only had second hand information on because I wasn’t there when it happened to begin with. I told her to talk Angel, since she was the one who told me, and since Angel was actually working at those times. I was blamed for everything. My name was always coming out of her mouth.

It started out with her trying to get Angel to go with her to my boss, to talk to him about me, saying that I was “distracted”. Not that I’m not preforming my job, or I’m screwing stuff up. I’m “distracted”. I was still reeling from what happened with Crazy, ya think I’m distracted? I still came to work, didn’t miss work, and did my job, despite JR’s best efforts. So what if I was a little “distracted”. All things considered that’s pretty damn good.

JR’s coming into work, asking my co workers my schedule to “avoid drama”. (See! I’m not doing anything! I’m the good guy here, having to go to all this trouble to avoid you when you’re working! I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!) “D” has moved friends of hers into JR’s house, (which was in the works before we even left) and having almost daily contact with JR because of these friends.

I was raw during this time. It was horrible, heartbreaking, the emotional pain was awful. I knew I was going through the stages of grief. I talked a little bit about him, and the break up, but no where near as much as I talked about him during the relationshit. There were days where I was taking it minute by minute. Right after leaving there were days where all that went through my brain, were thoughts of him. How could someone who “loves” me do the things that he had done? It was excruciating.

Low Contact

I’d cut “D” off completely. I blocked her, and her boyfriend, in every way I could. I’d long stopped talking to her about anything personal, only keeping it about work. If she asked personal questions my answers were short and sweet. Nothing specific, no information.

The Blow Up

My boss happened to be out of state at a conference, JR was on his every two week schedule and I’d finally had it with him coming into work. I very loudly stated that “someone” should tell him that if he really wants to avoid drama, like he keeps saying, then he should shop at the other store. Yes, it was very pointed. “D” says that she doesn’t “understand” why him coming in bothers me. I was flabbergasted. I said that she knows what he’s done, how does she not understand that him coming into my job bothers me? I told her that it’s not right of him to ask my co workers my schedule, it was not right to put them in that position. That’s when she lost it and started screaming at me. (thankfully there was a witness to all this) Telling me that I should get a restraining order then, that I need to stop doing stuff to JR. I told her I’ve done nothing to him, nothing. I hadn’t texted him, called him, nothing. I moved my things out of his house. I left. That’s all I did to him. I fucking left. She tried saying that I talk about him all the time, every day. I definitely wasn’t talking to her. Not talking to her, not talking around her, nothing. I didn’t want anything getting back to him. As far as she knew I was doing great, my kids were doing great and everything was sunshine and roses. Then she accused me of creating a hostile work environment for her. She’s telling the person who’s stalking and harassing me, MY WORK SCHEDULE, but I’m the one creating a hostile work environment for her. The icing on the cake after that rant, she stated that items that I supposedly ordered and checked into stock, that I had been harassing her about, were missing, now accusing me of stealing. Again, something I had absolutely nothing to do with, but getting blamed for it.

That’s when I got my bosses boss involved. Since then she has been talked to by our district manager, and not just about me, but how she treats other employees. Now, she’s on her best behavior with me. If there is a next time, I will go straight to HR. That time I emailed our district manager, and my understanding is that it was swept under the rug. That won’t happen again. As she too exhibits a pattern of behavior. She has targeted one employee after another. She is always trying to control and dominate others. Always.

After all that mess she was still trying to convince me, through Angel, that she cares about me. That she’s my friend. She’s hurt because I won’t talk to her. Blah. Blah. Blah. All bullshit.

In the end with her, I think she was pissed about several things. One, her boyfriend reached out to me when he was manic. He was upset about a conversation they had the night before, and he’s not allowed to talk to others about their relationship. I was to be punished for that so she made sure to cozy up to JR during the time that I was hurting the most. JR in turn used that as an in with her. Two, she gathers information on people to use against them later on. She does this through social media, and gossiping. Although it doesn’t matter what truth she knows, as she’ll just make something up to suit her needs. So I suppose she feels a sense of power having any information on anyone. When I blocked her on Facebook, blocked her from my phone, and she no longer had access to me personally, that really made her mad. I was more pissed at my reaction to her. I screamed right back at her, and spilled everything that I had avoided telling her for months. She pushed my buttons and I spilled after working so hard not to. I figured she would now warn JR that I was going to pursue a restraining order against him. (Even if she did, he didn’t remove the pictures till after he was served the papers, so I was able to print them off. Thanks JR!)

Long story short (too late!) she was glad to take part in his bullshit. Where he couldn’t harass me at work, she did it for him. That is a Flying Monkey. He continued to abuse me by using another person to do his dirty work. He told her a bunch of lies, to justify HIS behavior, she ate it all up, and turned around and fucked with me. But, she was supposedly my friend. No empathy, no compassion, no loyalty. Now, she too proclaims that she no longer talks to or hangs out with JR. Do I believe her. Nope. Be gone monkey!

 

What Are “Flying Monkeys” or Abuse by Proxy Part 1

For the longest time I couldn’t figure out why the one post – https://thephoenixagain.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/enter-the-flying-monkey-and-lets-meet-the-parents – was getting so many reads. More often then not, in my stats, the search terms that lead people here are encrypted, but every once in a while “flying monkey” will show up.

                                      circusmonkeys

What Makes Someone a Flying Monkey?

I think it is the intent/purpose behind the action. Most normal people don’t manipulate or purposefully use other people to get what they want. So, normally “helping” doesn’t make someone a flying monkey.

But if you’re searching for information on the internet about Flying Monkeys, you’re likely not dealing with a “normal” person. Or, you’re just really stoked about the Wizard of Oz.

I personally had not heard that term in this context until I joined a support group for victims of narcissists and sociopaths. But it definitely makes sense.

A quick Google search of “abuse by proxy” lead me to these (all excellent explanations):

Urban Dictionary

Out of the Fog

About.com Divorce Support

Yahoo Voices

In The Aftermath

apaths

In my experience with JR’s Flying Monkeys, I believed one of them didn’t realize that he was being used as such, although, after this past week I’ve changed my mind about that.

I tried to warn him, it fell on deaf ears. (As is usually the case.) I told him that I wasn’t going to tell him who to be friends with. That if he wants to be friends with JR that he can not tell JR ANYTHING about me. Even if it seemed that it wasn’t anything important, he was not to speak of me to JR at all. Within two weeks of leaving JR, “P” was asking pointed questions about who I’m dating. (No one.) In the end I told him that I’m not friends with JR’s friends, and stopped talking to him about anything personal, and he quit/walked off the job. (He was one of my co workers. Him quitting had nothing to do with me.) My thought was that he is very, very naive, and gullible. As of a few short weeks ago, if you asked him about JR he would tell you, “He’s not a bad guy at all!”  “He’s a great guy!” These are things that “P” told my one co worker after he had been lamenting that I didn’t want to be friends with him any longer. I said to my co worker, “Great guys don’t post naked pictures of their ex’s on the internet. Great guys don’t pretend to be you while they text men to set you up for a sexual encounter, to possibly be harmed.” “Great guys don’t continually stalk and harass you after you’ve left them.” Yea, he’s such a great guy. I also said, “He (P) obviously got such a “great” friend out of it, so why the hell is he complaining about loosing me as a friend?”

My other co worker “D” on the other hand, loves drama, and actively and knowingly participated/reveled in being JR’s Flying Monkey. She was the one who sort of got us talking in the first place. She loved hearing all the dirt and goings on in the relationshit, but suddenly took his side and started targeting me at work, after I moved out. She is definitely a “kick ’em when they’re down” type of person. I didn’t come to that conclusion lightly.

She set us up. More like she pawned him off on me. He had been coming into work to talk to her. I was never there when he did this, before him and I started dating I had only seen him at work a few times. At that point I had been there for almost two years. Back then I didn’t work every Sunday, like I do now. He would come in to talk to her, actively pursuing her, (she is in a relationship) trying to get her to go hang out with him. I now know that he was still in a live in relationship with “P” during that time.

He’s Such a Great Guy!

He told her that he was new to the area, and didn’t know many people. (He’s lived in that city his entire life. Lived in the house that he supposedly owns for many years, approximately 15) He told her that he’d had custody of his nieces for 2 years because the State was going to take them away from his sister. (That is a lie. He never had custody of his nieces. I think he was trying to appeal to her assumed mothering instinct – which is funny because she actually doesn’t want children.) I don’t know exactly what he told her about his relationship at the time, if he said anything at all I’m sure he lied about that too. But these were the things she told me, to sell him to me.

Fast forward to the months before I gave up my apartment to live with him. I was unsure about doing this. Mostly due to the fact that his actions were not matching his passionate words. He was insistent that he wanted us to live there. He had been calling his house “our house” for many months. We had keys to his house. He was insistent that the relationship was serious. Yet any time we did something that was cementing that supposed commitment, he would act out in some way. It made no sense to me. Because of that I voiced my concern to who I considered my friends. I wasn’t going to move in if he was offering out of obligation. No, I didn’t have electricity at my apartment, but we were fine there. I would have gotten it taken care of before the cold months.

“D” (Flying Monkey) asked me if I wanted her to talk to him. I told her NO. I would talk to him myself. We’re not in high school, and I had no issue discussing that with him myself. She went over there under the guise of helping him clean out the basement, where he was supposedly building a room for my youngest (his way of proving to me that he wanted us there) and questioned him about it anyhow. Of course she didn’t tell me this, JR told me this after I got home from work. It was pointed, as if I had sent her to do this. Then it was me defending myself, telling him that I specifically told her not to do that.

I talked with her about this the next time I saw her, and guess what? She was pissed. “That was between me and him. I can’t believe he told you about that.” She couldn’t fathom that MY boyfriend told me that they were discussing OUR relationship. How was MY relationship between her and MY boyfriend?? It gets better! When JR told me why he wanted us to live there, it was the complete opposite of what “D” ended up telling me. So who was telling the truth?!? They’re both liars. JR claims to be “an open book” where as “D” constantly brags about lying. Both are pathological liars.

The Mask Slips. Enter Mr. Hyde

Fast forward again to November. He’s already told us to “get the fuck out” once, that was two weeks after I gave up my apartment. This is when the “good times” were very, very short. The rages, being called a “fucking bitch” all the time, him consistently being pissed off for what ever reason, lasted much longer then the “loving” periods. I was constantly defending my children to him, having to correct him because of the abuse he was spewing at my kids. I was at the point where I knew that we couldn’t live like that. “D” is telling me to just stick it out and wait for tax time when I could then move again. I told her no. I was not going to do that. If I’m not in a relationship with him, I’m not going to live with him. I won’t keep putting my kids through that. It would have gone against my standards.

December 10th D’s boyfriend checks himself into mental health. I’d gotten a manic phone call from him at 6:30 in the morning. Months previous to this he’d sent out text messages to me and Angel, talking about wanting to hurt himself. After that he’d been evaluated and they diagnosed him as bi polar. The morning he called I told him that if he couldn’t calm down, then he needed to go check himself in, which he did. I then got a hold of “D” (at work) to let her know what happened. This was all happening when JR and I broke up, and he’s having his side piece spend the night. I was a wreck, that was a lot of stuff going on all at once.

I wanted to visit “S” in the hospital, and made plans to do so. I asked “D” if I could go with her since I wasn’t driving at that time. She picks me up, and on the way to the hospital, out of left field, she starts asking me questions about Summer Guy. Right then I knew that she had talked to JR, and that he was telling her that I cheated on him with Summer Guy, to justify his actions with his side piece. I told her that I hadn’t talked to Summer Guy in months. As far as I know he’s doing alright. Then she tells me that she had talked to JR the night before, because she was down. That JR could sympathize with her (he cannot) and blah blah blah. That was the end of that “friendship” with “D”. That’s when the targeting at work started.

JR had often used “D” for triangulation. If anything went wrong, no matter what it was, he would text her boo hooing. She would then come to me at work and say, “I always know when you guys are having a problem because he’ll text me out of the blue. Don’t tell him that I said anything though.” The huge difference between triangulation and venting or talking to a friend is, again, the intention behind it. He would manipulate her, in order to get to me. Most adults (emotionally mature people) go straight to the source.

Up next, part 2

Targeted by The flying Monkey

I See Patterns – False Alarm, the End is Not Near

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve gotten great about seeing patterns. And I’m pretty good with puzzles.

I got to thinking about this today after speaking with my co worker “T”. He’s the one who came with me to court so I wasn’t there alone.

Crazy called work today. – It is insanity (on my part) expecting different results from him. – Which makes me think that the text from the old roommate & the ex coworker “P” (flying monkey) showing up at work earlier this week, professing that he doesn’t hang out with HIM anymore, was JR’s brain tweaking out because it’s been 20 days since he’s bothered me.

“T” told me to chalk it up to coincidence. Try to trick my brain to think that. But, really, it’s a pattern of behavior. Not something that I’m making up, or paranoid about. I have dates and times to prove it. I have a timeline of events since moving out of JR’s house.

No coincidences lately.

More Weirdness or Another Amazing Coincidence

I had allowed myself to hope that this will be a respite (or maybe even the end) from Crazy. He’s overdue, as he didn’t show up with the OW at my job, this past Sunday.

Tonight I got a text from our old roommate “D” asking if it is ok to give my number to the other (still current roommate of JR) old roommate “M”.

I haven’t talked to “M” in months. The last time we talked and were to meet up for coffee, I told him my days off and in an amazing coincidence JR showed up at work on one of those days. This was during the time where he was pretending he didn’t want to come in on my shift, “to avoid drama”. Since then “M’s” phone was stolen and I didn’t give him my number.

Do I really think it’s an amazing coincidence? No. So many things were just amazing coincidences with JR. He was so innocent, it was just a coincidence. ~ please note the sarcasm. None of it was amazing, and it sure as hell wasn’t a coincidence.

It’s a wait and see again as to what happens next. Hopefully nothing.

7 SIGNS OF HYPOCRITES AND THE PEOPLE THEY TARGET

He hit all 7 of these. I think the one that was the most crazy making for me was #5. After either talking to him about his various deviant behaviors, or confronting him on a lie, he would insist he was “So SICK OF THE DRAMA!!” He just “wants a peaceful life.” And was so “sick of the roller coaster!” I finally started asking him why HE caused it then! It was living in opposite world.

Vanilla Sky – Unreality with the Narcissist

I remember when I realized it was all a lie. The whole relationshit from start to finish was one big act on his part. It was the only thing that finally made sense in all the craziness. So glad to be out of that living nightmare.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

You’ve discovered that your relationship/engagement/marriage with the Narcissist was a reality warp.

No matter how many times you replay history in your mind, you can’t make sense of it or come to grips with what you now know was an illusion…hyperreality.

Hyperreality:  the inability of consciousness to distinguish reality from a simulation of reality; a condition in which what is real and what is fiction are seamlessly blended together so that there is no clear distinction between where one ends and the other begins.   Individuals may find themselves for different reasons, more in tune or involved with the hyperreal world and less with the physical real world.

This hyperreal world is the one we live in with the Narcissist.  Nothing can be taken at face value.  We take on the Narcissist’s version of reality and apply it as our truth.  Like Tom Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky, we exist…

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Today

Today was extremely busy.  I ran around all morning before my intake appointment trying to get everything taken care of.

I got most everything done, aside from not having proper ID for the replacement Social Security cards.

We are officially in a homeless shelter now. Although I’ve been homeless a couple times, this is the first time being in a shelter. I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

Moving the rest of my crap to storage, and the questions that came from “J” about where we got a place, how much, etc. Nothing I wanted to answer. It’s none of his business.

The only thing I didn’t anticipate was not being able to have my daughter stay here during my work hours. I have a temporary arrangement but will have to figure something else out.

Tomorrow’s an early morning.