I am Woman…And This is How I Survive

Beautiful

Soul Healing Art

Survival Survival

I am Woman of a Queenly-Size

You may blind Me
You may bind Me

And still, still, I will Survive

The Owl-Like Wisdom of Woman
does not reside in my Eyes.

The Owl-Like Wisdom of Woman
does not reside in my Ears.

The Owl-Like Wisdom is Inside Me.
I am woman born to Survive.

Blind and deaf you would mute Me
and I with Blind man eyes

and Silent Ears will Fly
with Talons extended to capture and kill.

Survival, as Woman-born, has always
been my innate skill.

Sometimes I don’t know how we do it, how we survive it all as women. You read one story after another of women being attacked, murdered, raped, and stoned. And still the feminine principle of the world marches on.

Women have been shackled, cursed, and spat upon and still survival mounts its charge within Her.

And I wonder how this…

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The Most Horrible, Longest Weekend Ever

WARNING!! there’s a lot of cussing,  if that offends you then you want to skip this one.

I want to scream. I want to scream my head off and then go hide in a cave some place for a while.

This past Friday night My Angel,  my friend who helped me when I needed it, when I needed a place to go to escape the psychotic ex, was beaten by her now ex boyfriend.  He tried to fucking kill her.

I was in the next room and didn’t know he was beating her, it had gotten quiet. They had been arguing, but they had gotten quiet so I thought it was over. I didn’t know he did that until she called me at work the next morning to call off work.

She never thought he would do that. He would never lay a hand on her.

I felt powerless for months because I could see where it was going. It reminded me too much of what I just left.

The escalation. She had long been withdrawing. She wasn’t allowed to do anything, that included other people, without him. She wasn’t allowed to cut or dye her hair. She wasn’t

allowed

to watch certain TV shows or movies. On her days off she often sat alone in her room. He was constantly accusing her of cheating on him. He accused her of sleeping with me. ~side note: if I actually had all the sex I’ve been accused of having, I might be in a better mood. According to JR and My Angel’s ex, I’m screwing everyone. ~ Those are only the tip of the iceberg I’m sure.

It was killing me because I knew she had to be the one to make the decision. I believed her when she said he would never put his hands on her. But he did. He did and he tried to kill her.

Thankfully she left. She went to the hospital.  She didn’t cover up for him. She reported it to the police. He was arrested and has been charged. Today he made bail. I’ve been scared shitless about what will happen,  if he will come after her. And I can’t help it, my reaction to the whole situation. It’s been one huge trigger. I’m trying to get a hold on my emotions,  as not to freak her out anymore then she already is.

We’re in a safe place. But I don’t trust the person who helped her. I know his motivation behind helping her, and he got stuck with me and my kid in the process because she wouldn’t leave us there. He doesn’t want me and my kid here, it’s very obvious. I’ve had to stop myself from telling him to fuck off and shut the fuck up. I appreciate him helping us out in a difficult spot. But he’s a liar, a pompous egomaniac.

He talks about all these super important people in his family, how he knows what’s going on with her case (because of those super important people in his family) and how the information I read in black & white (from a credible source) isn’t true. Blah blah blah. He said to me tonight, “I know you’re not used to people like me. (Who have super important people in their family)” and that’s when I lost it. I told him “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. And you don’t know what the fuck I’m used to so don’t make assumptions about me.” He shut his trap and went back inside “apologizing” because he didn’t mean to offend me.

The fact of the matter is: this is the most dangerous time, when fleeing the abuser. The statistics are there. I’m not on my computer so I can’t post a reference. I know this is a fact. And Mr. Pompous Bragging Asshole is, in my opinion, giving her a false sense of security.

Lies offend the hell out of me. Taking advantage of someone when they’re vulnerable offends me.

Telling her would be as effective as writing the words on water. She’s going to do what she’s going to do. My gut tells me it’s not going to end well.

I’d rather live in a shelter. That’s what I’m looking into tomorrow in case I can’t find an apartment in the next few days.

He’s Nothing if Not Predictable

The 10 day clock has been confirmed. This time it was a mass text to my roommate,  I’m guessing inviting her to go do something with him. Yes, really. It was initially 13 – 14 days between him rearing his ugly head psychotic incidents. I suppose I should be grateful that it’s been relatively benign since court, so far only forcing contact on me (as far as I know). I haven’t done any searches as of late to see if there’s anything else out there.

The nonsense isn’t not affecting me now how it was before,  thank goodness. Today’s incident made me laugh and validated my gut feeling. I did say “I knew it! 10 days.”

Safety Measures After Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Invaluable information. Get out and stay safe!!

Ladywithatruck's Blog

Someone asked me recently if they could be tracked through an email and I had said yes because your IP number shows when you send an email but I was wrong (I think) I went into my email and I did not see anyone’s IP number. BUT with that being said I would not be emailing the ex from your home computer because with technology as it is, there is probably a way to track someone through their email address. Do not take anything for granted when trying to keep yourself safe. A great app for anyone in, or leaving an abusive relationship is the phone app I talked about in a earlier post, the link is here. http://wp.me/p1wKh3-37n. I always recommend keeping a journal and that is first on my list of  “To Do’s” for anyone in or  leaving an abusive relationship, as soon as you realize you are in…

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Trepidation

I’ve been asked to dinner for Mother’s Day by a friend of a friend. I really don’t feel like going.

For starters, he wants to date me, and that’s not happening for several reasons.

1) I’m not ready to date.
2) I’m not ready to date.
3) I’m not ready to date.
4) It seems I’ll still be dealing with crazy (JR’s nickname) for a while, no way I would involve anyone (except the authorities) in that.
5) This guy has said nearly every red flag phrase and I’ve only been around him twice, for a couple hours at a time. Including but not limited to; “Where have you been??” “We’ve gone through similar/the same things” Calling me “My Love” instead of using my name. -That one is a HUGE irritation for me, terms of endearment from people who don’t know me. Or people who do know me, but won’t utter my name. Summer guy did that constantly,  not once did he ever say my name. Sorry, tangent.- And he wants to “help” me with crazy.
6) He spent the better part of the last time I was around him trying to convince me he’s a good guy. “I’m a good guy because of this, that, and this.”
7) He claims he wants someone who he can carry on a conversation with, but asked me a question, I got one sentence out and was then interrupted and he continued to talk. (About how our lives/experiences are so similar!)

I think that’s enough reasons. The first three reasons are plenty really. I made it crystal clear that I’m not dating anyone right now. I’m only 4 months out of an abusive relationship.  He said we can go as “just friends”, I’m still reluctant. I will drive myself there, and pay for myself,  and leave when I feel like.

Mayhap the Clock got Shorter

More forced contact (harassment), 10 days from the last time. He called my job, at first talked to his FM and then called back after she left for the day. Said he wanted stuff for this thing that’s been taking up space for ages, long before I was a blip on his radar. (I work retail sales) He’s got a sudden need to work on this thing. He then says, “I’ll be coming up there in a few minutes, if that’s ok?” -voice shaking again- Asking my permission now? Seriously? He’s not even pretending that he’s trying to avoid me anymore. I suppose this is the downside to having my car in the lot. He can drive stalk past and know I’m there. I dismissed his question by stating what time we were open till. But then let him know that we didn’t have the other item he wanted, he was so disappointed.

I’m wondering how long he will keep this up. I’m thinking at least as long as 7 months, which means I have at least 3 months to go. Bring it on sucker.

Wait and See

image

Two months. I had two full months of peace and quiet, free from harassment from the narcopath.  I thought for sure he would start back up after the time passed for filing for the De Novo hearing,  I was surprised when he didn’t. I then thought that he would start after the weekend that I ran into his sister and neice at the gas station, and then almost walked straight into him at the grocery store,  later that same day. That was something I’d anticipated dreaded since leaving,  the grocery store encounter. That it had taken months for the first chance encounters just running around town, was good. That he didn’t start again after was a surprise.

I’ve been quiet these last two months since the hearing. I haven’t felt like posting, not because I’m in a bad place, but because I’ve been appreciating the quiet. During this down time I’ve regained my appetite, have finally stopped losing weight, and I’m sleeping pretty regularly. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the energy that I’ve been putting out into the universe, and what I’m attracting in return.  I didn’t want to jinx the peace and quiet.

We’ve been sick a lot since leaving.  Just had another bout of strep throat between my youngest and I. I’m sure that as the stress levels keep decreasing,  that will let up as well.

Easter was difficult.  I’ve been no contact with my family of origin for several years now. There are few that I’m Facebook friends with,  or that I even occasionally communicate with. We were invited to Easter at my uncle’s house. While I miss my non crazy family members, I couldn’t chance stirring the crazy with my raging narc aunt.

Before I went no contact with my parents I was seriously considering a restraining order against my aunt. After implementing no contact with her she also went to great lengths to make me pay. After not attending Easter at my parents three years ago, the narc aunt called the police on me (to do a wellness check), attempting to get CPS involved in my family. Simply because I didn’t show up at a holiday. My parents knew we were fine, since I was renting the apartment upstairs from them. But her attempts to use her sister (my mother) to make me talk to her, or let her have access to my children,  had failed. She also went so far as to call my children’s school. I told my mother at that point that I was thinking about a restraining order.  She may or may not have told the narc aunt as much. Within six months I was no contact with the rest of my family, moved to a different city, left no forwarding address and didn’t give any of them my new number. The narc aunt did end up getting my then phone number. I’m guessing she paid for it from one of those online services. I blocked both her home and cell number after receiving a call from her and nearly answering it. That was two years ago and I’ve seen no obvious signs of her since.

So I passed on Easter with the family, and instead spent my day off with my children.  We had a great day together. The following Tuesday I saw JR’s face go through my newsfeed on Facebook. A mutual friend had posted a picture of him. This friend (JC) is someone I met through him. He had actually been sleeping with us at the same time,  but he supposedly ended things with her because he was more into me. (She eventually told me that, not him.) ~See triangulation. I’ve had her on my restricted list for a long time now, and was debating deleting and blocking her after seeing psycho’s face. (I didn’t delete her as of yet.)

She was one of the few people I talked to when I left him, but had backed off after. (Aside from a few short comments on Facebook, the last text I sent her was wishing her a Happy New Year.) Then a day or two after seeing his picture,  he sent someone up to my work,  on my shift, who was driving his car. It was a male and female I didn’t recognize. I stayed in the back while they were there, so they wouldn’t have the opportunity to complain to my boss, or corporate about me. For some reason those two incidents affected me more then running into him and his sister did. I can only guess it was because of the sadness that I had about not spending Easter with my family.

Last week, right after walking into work, my co worker (who is also my friend and roommate, my escape route from the psycho) warned me that JR had called and would be coming in to pick up stuff. Knowing that, I stayed out of the store as much as possible throughout the day. I took him sending people up to work as a good sign that he would stay away. As the day wore on and he didn’t show, I was hoping that it was due to him seeing my car in the parking lot, that maybe that discouraged him. No. Nope. That is too much to hope for. Instead, he waited until much later in the evening to call again, apparently to be certain that I was working, and then come in when I couldn’t avoid him and had no choice but to wait on him. Forcing contact on me.

I’m happy with how I handled it. This time I wasn’t a shaking, unable to speak, mess. His voice shook, and his hands shook as he paid for his stuff. I treated him as I would any other customer. I thankfully had the new guy that’s in training, standing next to me the whole time. Just after he paid for his stuff, my other co worker (who came to court with me) got back. I have two witnesses just in case he tries to start problems for me at work again. 

JR looks like a mad man now, (how fitting) having grown out a crazy beard. Think Charles Manson. His outside is definitely matching his inside. He disgusts me. I didn’t even want him to brush my hand as he was handing me money. I had to stop myself from pulling my hand away when it seemed he was going to touch it.

Does this mean he’s going to begin again? I don’t know. Maybe. He essentially gets a do over since I can’t use anything I put in the other restraining order in a new one. How great for him! But since I didn’t get the permanent order I decided to come out of hiding. I did the things I was afraid to do before, like change my address with the DMV. I don’t think he has the balls to physically come after me, it’s not the same as when he thought he had me trapped at his house. The things he’s done have been, for the most part, from the privacy and comfort of his home. (Aside from coming into my job like gang busters.) He won’t act up at my work,  to ensure that he can keep coming back to try to further antagonize me.

So again, he’s gotten no reaction out of me. I guess it’s a wait and see. The difference now being I’m not actively trying to be a step ahead of him, or anticipate what his next move will be. I refuse to live in fear.

I do believe he is desperate still. (Likely because one of his side pieces probably threw him in the gutter, where he belongs.) I don’t think he will post any more naked pictures,  especially since the revenge porn law is so close to being signed here. I’m not sure what’s left for him to try. Since identifying my other co worker as his flying monkey, he can try to use her, but if she keeps it up she won’t have a job. HR has already had to get involved with her a few times in the last three months, and not just from me. I won’t spend time with her outside of work anymore,  so she’s out. He’d have to either get really creative,  or just out right come after me. If that’s the case, game on motherfucker. I dare you.