What is this unusual, almost alien feeling? I was trying to pinpoint just what this feeling was today. I finally settled on calm. I’m actually calm today. I haven’t felt calm in at least 7 months. That’s a long time. There’s also hope, happiness, gratefulness, and excitement – sort of.
In the last 7 months there were all sorts of other feelings. Anxiety, fear, confusion, depression, sadness, dismay, despair, anger, hopelessness, nervousness, dread, agony, numbness, anxious, devastation, disgust, and disappointment.
I’m happy, but I will have to wait to tell why, at least till after court. The court date for the permanent order is one week from today. Where the calm came from, I really don’t know. It could be partially due to the restraining order. It could be due to my thoughts, feelings and the facts being validated. – I would normally have said “truth” being validated, but truth is philosophical. One person’s truth is not another persons truth. In this case, and as I’ve had to treat my entire relationship with JR, I only deal in facts.
I’m calm, and I am grateful. For days now I’ve been grateful for something that I took for granted before, and that is having forethought. I also feel somewhat victorious, and honestly almost gleeful, for having forethought. Such alien feelings to me now. I almost feel guilty for these feelings. I worry that they will somehow screw things up.
Because I have a conscience, and forethought, I don’t have to worry about things that I did going into court. I don’t have to worry about the possibility of anyone finding out anything I did that would possibly jeopardize me getting a permanent order. My hands are clean. Because I went low contact the week before I moved out of the house, and no contact on Christmas Eve, I believe it will help my case. At least I hope so. I fully realize that it’s possible that it won’t be granted. I have to prepare myself for the worse. But I have hope that it will be.
I believe he still has his job, although I’m not sure if or how they may penalize him for this, especially if I get a permanent one. I believe that his job has been the only thing reigning in his behavior up till now. I believe that if he manages to keep his job he might actually leave me alone. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.