Today Is a Bad Day or What Not To Do Going Into Court

I am shaking an numb and have been for the entire day. I started by oversleeping. I was surprised that I got any sleep at all last night. My day started out a little behind.

I met my co worker/friend at the court house. He agreed to come with so I didn’t have to go alone. My intention was to get a lawyer, but I was waiting on my tax refund to do so. They came later then I planned on, not in enough time to get council. Once inside I proceeded to make my “irrational panic attack” come true and couldn’t find the court room. When I finally found it and went inside right at 8:15 when it was supposed to start.

Of course he showed up. He brought with him a lawyer, (like I figured he would) his parents and some chick who looked slightly familiar, but not sure who she was. I thought for sure he would bring his side piece that he rubbed in my face the week before I left, but it wasn’t her.

He made sure to wear his work uniform.  He likes using his job to get out of trouble, so to speak. I’ve seen him pull out his C.O. badge to try to get past a city work crew that blocked off a street. That was the first time he scared me with how angry he got, because he couldn’t go the way he wanted. He scared my youngest who was in the car with us as well. When he would spend the night at my house and have to park on the street, since he didn’t have a parking permit, he would put his work hat on the front dash to try to avoid a ticket. The day that I moved out, because I brought people to help me, he put on his work jacket to try to intimidate us. Like he’s a police officer.

The court commissioner started out by saying that there were three cases for injunctions scheduled for the same time this morning. Due to that, and time constraints, some people might have to come back at a later date. My stomach hit the floor hearing that. I had wanted to get this over with since first filing. I was momentarily happy that we were the first case called. Momentarily, it didn’t last long.

I was terrified, intimidated that I sat there alone, and that I had to testify to him posting naked pictures of me on the internet, in front of a court room full of people. I know my voice shook as I spoke, I could barely talk. My throat closed up almost as soon as I sat down at the front table. His lawyer started in on me about that immediately, which pissed me off. That helped me speak louder.

Thirteen years ago I had to get a domestic violence restraining order against the father of my youngest. That was entirely different from what I experienced today. That was in a small closed room, with only myself, the prosecutor, DV advocate, and a judge. (possibly a public defender, I can’t remember.) He had shown up, but then left. They had me present my case and I was granted the permanent order.

I had no idea what I was doing as far as the stalking/harassment order. The court commissioner asked me why I wanted the injunction. I started to tell him the events starting from when I moved out. He immediately told me that he had no idea what I was talking about when I said, “moved from there” (I believe I said there) that I had to give him more information. So I told him that by December 2013, we had been in a relationship for approximately one year. That I didn’t establish residence until October 2013, I had my own apartment up until then,  but hadn’t spent much time at my apartment since May of that year.

I told him about Christmas Eve, and started to tell him about the texts, JR’s lawyer objected, I couldn’t say anything about them, it was considered hearsay because the person JR was texting wasn’t there. So I moved on to the naked pictures of me, he lawyer objected again, the commissioner told me I would have to “shore that one up later”. I then told him about JR repeatedly coming into my work, the last time he came in and how I had to leave the store.

JR’s lawyer got to ask me questions. He made it out that I only moved in with JR because I didn’t have electricity in my apartment. He also made it sound absurd that JR should have to drive to a different store.

I was sitting there waiting for the commissioner to ask to see my evidence. Instead he asked if I had anything else to “tell” him. I said no, being frustrated by all the objections. He then said case closed and proceeded to bitch me out for not having a case, and not showing evidence. I told him that I have the emails, I have proof of the pictures. He told me it was too late, that he was not granting the order, it was dismissed and that I could apply for a De Novo hearing.

By this time I almost wasn’t comprehending anything. I walked back to my friend and sat waiting for the paperwork. After receiving the paperwork from the bailiff, he told us to wait for a few minutes because JR and company were leaving the court room. We sat, I was reeling from not being able to show my evidence. Then another bailiff came to us and said we could leave now. We stood up, and a lady who was sitting in the back row stood up and approached me. I was relieved to see a sympathetic face and thought she was likely an advocate, and she introduced herself as such.

As we walked out of the court room I see that JR and company are standing right outside the court room door. I’m now thinking, why the hell did they tell me to leave the room if he’s still standing outside??? The bailiff then proceeded to try to bully me out of the court house, repeatedly stating, “You’re going out to your car, right?!?”  I responded yes to him, and continued to talk to the advocate, and he said again, “YOU’RE GOING OUT TO YOUR CAR, RIGHT??” He said this at least three times, in succession. I was irritated since I already responded to him the first time. The advocate told him no, I was going to get paperwork for the De Novo hearing. None of his fucking business was what I was thinking, since he wasn’t escorting me anywhere. As soon as he heard that he turned and walked back to JR and company.


T Minus One Day and Counting

I’ve been sitting on my hands since being granted the temporary restraining order. It helps that my internet connection sucks, and getting anything to load is a test of patience.

I just came off a nine day stretch at work. In the past, these stretches haven’t taken much of a toll on me physically, but they’re a little harder to deal with now. It’s been blissfully quiet since the 4th, despite this weekend’s full moon and St. Patty’s Day festivities.

I am taking this time to work on the nominations (finally) for the I’m not freshly pressed award, and The Liebster Award. I still can’t figure out how to put the badge on my blog. LOL These nominations are humbling and a surprise. I hardly feel that I deserve them, being so new to this. I started blogging because I decided that I wasn’t going to keep his, or any other abusers secrets any longer, and to really take the heat off the people around me. So instead I unleash it on the whole internet. If it helps someone else, it is worth it. It has helped me tremendously reading others experiences, and insights. It’s bittersweet that there are so many of us who have lived this, that can relate to each other.

As it is, I’ve found so much support in this community. It means the world to me. I am leaps and bounds from where I was when I first got out. Every day the fog clears more and more.

What Is This Wierdness?

What is this unusual, almost alien feeling? I was trying to pinpoint just what this feeling was today. I finally settled on calm. I’m actually calm today. I haven’t felt calm in at least 7 months. That’s a long time. There’s also hope, happiness, gratefulness, and excitement – sort of.

In the last 7 months there were all sorts of other feelings. Anxiety, fear, confusion, depression, sadness, dismay, despair, anger, hopelessness, nervousness, dread, agony, numbness, anxious, devastation, disgust, and disappointment.

I’m happy, but I will have to wait to tell why, at least till after court. The court date for the permanent order is one week from today. Where the calm came from, I really don’t know. It could be partially due to the restraining order. It could be due to my thoughts, feelings and the facts being validated. – I would normally have said “truth” being validated, but truth is philosophical. One person’s truth is not another persons truth. In this case, and as I’ve had to treat my entire relationship with JR, I only deal in facts.

I’m calm, and I am grateful. For days now I’ve been grateful for something that I took for granted before, and that is having forethought. I also feel somewhat victorious, and honestly almost gleeful, for having forethought. Such alien feelings to me now. I almost feel guilty for these feelings. I worry that they will somehow screw things up.

Because I have a conscience, and forethought, I don’t have to worry about things that I did going into court. I don’t have to worry about the possibility of anyone finding out anything I did that would possibly jeopardize me getting a permanent order. My hands are clean. Because I went low contact the week before I moved out of the house, and no contact on Christmas Eve, I believe it will help my case. At least I hope so. I fully realize that it’s possible that it won’t be granted. I have to prepare myself for the worse. But I have hope that it will be.

I believe he still has his job, although I’m not sure if or how they may penalize him for this, especially if I get a permanent one. I believe that his job has been the only thing reigning in his behavior up till now. I believe that if he manages to keep his job he might actually leave me alone. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

A Typical Day


I was so hoping to get to sleep before 3 am. Ugh. I can’t wait till this is over with.

I come here in order to vent. I’m tired of talking about JR to my friends, I’m sure they’re sick of hearing about him. Not that they’re not concerned about what he’s doing to me, or how I am doing, but it usually turns into a longer conversation then I care for. In a typical day I hear any number of people excusing his behavior. I’ve had to discuss him with a couple of my co workers due to the restraining order.

Today, “Is he going to get fired?” I don’t know. “What if he gets fired?” Well, I guess he should have thought about that before pulling this shit, hey? His behavior is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, he tried his damnedest to make it my responsibility when I was with him, but it wasn’t and still isn’t my responsibility. I kept putting this off, in the hopes that he would just STOP. Instead of stopping, it kept escalating. This is not something I did. He has had no consideration of me, whatsoever, this entire time. Yet I’m expected to have all sorts of consideration for his crazy ass.

I’m being punished for leaving

He obviously didn’t want to be with me, so I left. He obviously didn’t love me, so I left. I didn’t treat him badly. I didn’t lie to him. I didn’t cheat on him. I didn’t use him, like “everyone else” in his life. I loved him and wanted to have a life and family with him. He acted like I was holding him back from something, (not buying his lies, him being able to sleep with everyone & continually putting my health at risk) so I left. I am not going to stay some place I’m not wanted. I’m not going to “make” someone be in a relationship with me. (It was always my decision if we were together or not, “It’s up to you.”  “It’s your call.”  “The ball is in your court.” What?!?) I paid rent the last month I was there, even though I knew that he cheated and gave me an infection. I packed up my stuff quietly and I left. I didn’t go batshit crazy on his side piece. (Boy would he have loved that.) I treated her with the same indifference as I treated him, and I LEFT.

After I left I talked to a couple of people that we were both friends with, after that I stepped away from them. I emailed him three times. I know he read all three, gmails got that nifty setting to see when emails are read. There were no phone calls, no text messages, no emails wanting to know what happened, or discussing the relationshit. I took my child, what was left of my dignity, and anything that mattered to me and I left. I didn’t lay eyes on him, and wasn’t in the same room with him for 78 days after I moved out.

Email #1 (Sent December 19th 2am – night before I was to go pick stuff up)

I want my roaster oven & any other of my possessions out of your car. You can put them either on the air hockey table or on the front porch, by my other possessions, for me to retrieve.  I will retrieve the remainder of my items before the end of this month. When I have taken my possessions out of your house I will give M the keys (if he’s home.) If M’s not home I will lock the house behind me & drop the keys in the mail slot. I will let both M & yourself know when I have done this so that you can then change the locks.

When I left on Thursday December 12th, I left the phone that I purchased on your phone plan (attached to #-###-###-####) on the side table in the living room plugged into the charger. I am no longer responsible for that phone. That is your new phone. It has been  reset to fsctory settings,  all you have to do is change the number for that line & set it up.

At no time will you ever again contact my children in any way, shape or form for any reason.  EVER. You should no longer have A’s phone number in your phone to make sure that doesn’t happen again. If you continue to contact her/them I will proceed accordingly.

Any questions?

Email #2 (Sent December 19th 7pm – after I picked stuff up and saw that he didn’t take my things out of his car)

I want my possessions out of your car asap. I want to get the rest of my stuff so I can give my keys back.

Email #3 (Christmas Eve, after the texts posing as me)

It wasn’t a good idea for you to text my friends posing as me. I would think that you had to know that they would tell me about it. You need to cease and desist from sending any texts posing as me. You, JR, are the owner of and in possession of that phone and the sim card attached to (###) ###-####. I’m sure the police will have no issues getting those records.

And I’m done

That was it. I was done. Those three emails are the extent of my contact to him after leaving. I gave up on anything that was in his car, and decided that it was worth it to replace it. It clicked that he was withholding these things thinking he was further punishing me. I cut my losses. I wasn’t about to contact him from my phone, since I didn’t want him to have my number. I also wanted every communication to him documented, just in case. I had no idea that he would come after me the way that he did. I thought he would be happy that we were gone.

So I get offended when people, no matter who they are, act like I’m the one who’s being unreasonable. That my reaction to his stalking and harassment is uncalled for. I have reiterated so many times that I have been NO CONTACT since Christmas Eve. I’m not “poking the bear”. I don’t go to places he frequents, I barely leave the house. I don’t continually contact his friends and his co workers. I don’t talk to people he knows, in fact I’ve blocked them. I don’t ask people about him. I don’t send people to get information on him. I have to keep telling people that I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. I don’t show up at his job. I don’t go anywhere near his neighborhood. I have done NOTHING to deserve ANYTHING that he has done, during the relationship or after. I have left him, his family, and his side piece, alone. He is a sick asshole.

I carry no guilt about him possibly getting fired. His actions, his behavior is what has caused this, not mine. My only worry about his possible job loss is him having more time to fuck with me, that’s it. Any concern, consideration, compassion, or empathy I had for him – he killed.

It’s been suggested to me by a couple of people that I need to talk to his job. That considering everything he has done, they need to know. One person who told me this is in law enforcement. I’ve thought about it, and I’m going to see how it goes with the restraining order. His job will find out about that, whether I make it known or not. If the restraining order doesn’t stop him, I’ll let the lawyer handle it. One person seemed to think that is “excessive” going to his job. No, his behavior has been excessive, and criminal. He is someone who works in an area of law enforcement, and is not above the law, no matter what he thinks.

The Only Contact He’ll Get From Me Is


being served with papers. I was granted a temporary restraining order today.

I did well until I got to the court house, then the shaking and crying began. The fear that they would tell me that he hasn’t done enough was overwhelming. The fear of the possible repercussions of filing have been a big part of why I kept putting today off.

I realized it was insanity on my part, hoping that he would stop, when he clearly has no intention to. At this point he probably feels untouchable. He’s been able to repeatedly come into my work, knowing that I had tried and failed to have him banned from the store. He had no police pounding on his door after sending out those texts on Christmas Eve. The pictures he posted of me are still up there.

I marched up there, (literally, because I walked to the court house.) with my folder of everything I could gather as far as proof, and filled out the paper work with one of the victim/witness service people. It was a relief to hear the words, “It’s been approved.” A relief and agony. Agony that it’s had to go this far, that I have to go to these lengths to be safe from him. That he can’t simply leave me alone, and let me be at peace. Agony because this will affect his job, possibly causing him to be fired. If that happens I have no doubt it will be open season on me. I will be the “crazy bitch” who cost him his job and he’ll have plenty of time to then further stalk and harass me. I don’t think he’ll try to kill me, but I don’t really know that for sure.

I’m so tired.

Here I Am Again at 2am

As is always the case when I have to deal with anything to do with JR. I spent the last few evenings scouring the interwebs for help, legal wise. I’ve spent days printing emails, gathering evidence, printing web pages, pictures. It’s exhausting, but at the same time it makes the insomnia come back. I’m guessing that’s the PTSD. Lately it doesn’t last as long as it had been in the past. Instead of being out of it for over a week, it has been lasting a couple days. Baby steps.

Today’s revelation (03-03) was the unmasking of yet another of his flying monkeys. Thankfully someone who I no longer work with, who walked off the job a week before. This ex co worker had been fishing for information since I moved out of the house. Asking me if I was dating anyone, “Of course not. I was in a committed relationship. I was in love.  I was invested in the relationship with him. This has been devastating to me. I’ve only been gone for two weeks, of course I’m not dating anyone. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t have someone spending the night (all week) 6 days after moving out of our bedroom” – note to self, don’t tell him anything relevant.

Ex co worker had made it known to me that JR still texted him on a weekly basis, inviting him out to Monday nights at Hooters. He maintained that he didn’t respond to JR. I didn’t buy it due to the amount of fishing expeditions this guy attempted with me. Since ex coworker was very obvious in his quest for information about me, I had to resist feeding him false information. It was tempting. I could have easily done it, and he likely would have believed me. But, I’m committed to not feeding the beast. I’ve been completely no contact since December 25, and even still JR is like clock work every two weeks trying to get a reaction out of me.

What alarmed me was when he told me that JR is planning on buying a new car, and he would let me know what kind he buys. I don’t want to know. I can see where he would think that information would be helpful, especially since I’m being stalked and harassed. I don’t even want the possibility of it seeming like I’m trying to get information about JR, from anyone. I don’t want to know. Period. I keep having to tell people that. I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me.

When I left, I stepped away from JR’s friends. Once I hit the end of January, the last month I paid rent at his house, I stopped texting the roommate M. Most of my contact with M had been regarding retrieving my belongings from the house. He was acting like a friend, but I didn’t trust his manner. He is and was JR’s friend first and foremost. Since he had been getting a free ride at that house for almost a year, I didn’t think he wasn’t going to screw that up. I don’t think it was a coincidence that he texted me out of the blue wanting to get together, and when finding out my days off JR showed up at my job on one of the two days. Alright then, done with you sir. Be gone monkey!

On the other hand, JR stepped up his contact with MY friends and co workers after I left. I tried to warn the ex coworker for his reasoning behind trying to suddenly become friends with him, but it fell on deaf ears. He’ll find out soon enough that he’s just a pawn to him. Oh well.

And It Was Great

I had a fantastic weekend! I made it through without any other incidents, thank goodness.

I was nervous due to one of the people in the group I went out with has known him for years. I had been out with her and JR a couple times previously, and I didn’t get the impression that she really cared for me. I wasn’t sure how Saturday night was going to go because of that. It was a very pleasant surprise. I went to dinner and out to a party with a group of friends. I am so glad that I went!

I was determined not to bring him up, I wasn’t going to allow him to ruin my evening, and I didn’t.

It was such a relief to have fun, without having to worry about someone’s imminent inappropriate behavior, had I still been in a relationshit with him. There were so many times I only went to make him happy. (as if that will ever happen, he will never be happy) At the end, going out in public with him was such a production. He had an entirely different persona that he donned, to go with his outfit. He would be obnoxious, inappropriate, hurtful and embarrassing. Very much an attention whore. It was so unbearable I finally decided I would skip any outings, had I stayed.

I didn’t have to worry about looking over my shoulder, for him to pop stalk in. I felt completely safe the entire time. I got dressed up, felt sexy, went dancing and enjoyed the company of my friends. There were a couple times the emotions of appreciation, and thankfulness were overwhelming, and nearly brought me to tears. Sometimes it’s such an emotional roller coaster. But, it was overwhelming happiness for a change. I haven’t had that much fun since last September.

I was surprised at the end of the night when his friend said to me, “I’m glad you’re not with JR anymore. I’ve known him for a long time and he’s bad news.” My response was, “I wish I would have known that beforehand.” and I left it at that. I thought it was a possibility that she knows how he really is, and what a relief.

I have legal stuff to take care of this week, starting tomorrow. I still have to work on the I’m Not Freshly Pressed Award. I haven’t forgotten, it’s just been crazy since I was nominated.

I want to let all of you know how much I appreciate you, and how much you and your stories have helped me and are helping me on my road to recovery. I just told my friend, and the same goes to you in this community, you have helped my psyche so much. There’s no way for me to express how much it means to me.