To start, I am in no way a professional therapist, or shrink. I came by this information from reading everything I can find on the subject of narcissism and sociopaths. The things that I was experiencing in the relationship with JR made no sense to me at all. Some of the behaviors were a little too familiar to me, but it wasn’t until I moved and a friend of mine told me, “IT’S NOT YOU!!” That’s when I learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, and when everything he did finally made sense! She’s one of several of my sanity savers. If it wasn’t for my good friend “Angel” who let us move in, and my friend “Tanny” I don’t know where or how we would be right now.
I knew of flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I’ve never thought of people as flying monkeys until recently. In the terms of narcissism/sociopath, a flying monkey is someone the narcopath sends out to do their dirty work for them. Abuse by proxy. They’ll send their monkeys to gather information about the target and report back to the narc. They might have their flying monkeys do things to the target. The narcopath will use anyone that they possibly can as a flying monkey. Everyone in the narcopath’s life serves a purpose and are in compartments, as least that’s how it is with JR. Here is a great explanation of abuse by proxy/flying monkeys: http://almosttuesday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/abuse-by-proxy-abuse-by-stalking/ Why or how this particular friend/co-workers of MINE is a flying monkey of his, becomes clearer as time goes by. It was not something I identified until after I moved out.
This post is a little on the rambling side, please bear with me.
I didn’t want to see or talk to him anymore so he went to MY friend/co-worker. She had been the one to sort of set us up in the first place. I was tired of the guy that I had been dealing with the previous summer. (He was a piece of work himself. Another indication that I need to work on ME.) She knew this great guy. He had experience with kids since he’d had custody of his nieces for two years. He had a steady job, vehicle, and owned his own house. He really seemed to have his shit together. She gave him my number, aaaaaaaaand he never got a hold of me. I’d told her that if he wanted to talk to me that he needed to contact me first. I should have stuck to my guns. A couple of weeks went by and still nothing. I spent Thanksgiving by my friend’s house, drank some wine on an empty stomach and sent a “Happy Thanksgiving” text to JR. (I know, ugh) It was my first holiday in a new city, and it had been the first Thanksgiving I didn’t spend with family. I’ll address the family business later.
I’m not talking to him after the New Years incident and he starts working on my friend, telling her how miserable he is, blah blah blah. This is the same girl who made the point at New Years that him and I weren’t exclusive. I went and slept with the guy that I was dealing with the summer before. Not the healthiest, or most mature decision I could make, I own that. I had decided that I had been putting myself in a monogamous relationship where I was the only one being monogamous. Up till then I was too available to JR, as he often called me last minute to go do things instead of making plans in advance. I started turning him down when he did that since I felt like I was the back up girl. I didn’t believe his bullshit about De, and it would take him months to admit to what I already figured out. (Like I said, it should have ended here.) I slept with other guy two more times, (in February) and was determined not to feel guilty about it. I decided to give JR another chance. Maybe he was telling the truth. (NOT!) Perhaps it was a miscommunication. (Not in the least.) We were not exclusive. I’m back to seeing him.
I should mention that up until about mid January, when we spent time together it was just the two of us. There were a couple of times I invited him out with my friends, but he already had plans. I finally met “D” the roommate at one of the Monday nights at Hooters. (JR’s Monday night ritual.) I hadn’t been around any of his other friends since his birthday party, he hadn’t even attempted.
We went out once, towards the end of January, with his friends “L” and “A”, a married couple a bit younger than JR. (I should mention that I am almost 10 years older than JR.) They weren’t at his birthday, I had never met them before. I was happy because it seemed like he had been hiding me. At that point he hadn’t told me that L and A were swingers, not that that’s something people really advertise. I remember going back to JR’s house that night and he told me that L texted him telling him I was really sexy. I just said thanks. There were some other comments through the course of the evening that I dismissed as jokes. Supposedly JR’s parents are swingers. He told me that early on, probably the first night at bowling. I remember him telling me that it freaked him out so much at the time that he went to live with his grandfather as a teenager. His parents are “hippies”, and that’s what he grew up around.
Meeting the Parents
In early February I was spending the night by his house at least twice a week. At this point we were seeing each other often, at least three days a week. I believe it was the week before Valentine’s Day when I first met his dad. There was no warning, or discussion. JR asked if I wanted to go catch lunch, I met him at the fast food place and surprise! There’s his dad. To me, meeting parents is a significant thing. That is usually an indication that things are getting serious. When I had to take my car in to have the control arm fixed, he had his mom give me a ride to the shop since he was at work. Now I’ve met both parents. This was confusing to me.
I did introduce him to my youngest after meeting his parents, it was a brief interaction. I didn’t introduce him to my oldest till much later. (She lives with her dad.) He took me out to buy me sexy underwear and a corset because “you deserve it.” – I heard that a lot in the beginning, “You deserve it.” Our Valentine’s Day (before the 14th) was a Die Hard movie marathon at the theater, where he repeatedly tried to get me to have sex with him anywhere in the theater. I was game for the movies, no way for the sex. I kept telling him I didn’t want to get banned from my favorite theater. That day he had another friend who needed a place to stay, move in. JR decided to build a room in the basement and gave his friend his bedroom. In the meantime JR is sleeping on the couch in the living room. Some where around this time is when I first hear about his “friend” JC, who he describes as his clone. De has been labeled as a “gold digger” who wants a sugar daddy. He claims to not see her any more, and doesn’t talk to her often.
Because of all the time we were spending together, and meeting his parents, I was feeling guilty about other guy. I asked again what he considered us. Was I a booty call, or something casual, or what. He told me he didn’t at all consider me a booty call, what we had was more than that, but he was still “rolling with it.” He wouldn’t elaborate as to what that meant. He also said, “I don’t like putting a label on things.” I asked if he introduces all his friends to his parents, he said that he didn’t. He felt I was “special” and that’s why he wanted me to meet them. He wanted to know if there was competition. I told him no, as I only wanted to be with JR. After that conversation I came to the conclusion that he was in fact seeing other people, even though he was acting like he wasn’t. Other guy made it known he now had a girlfriend, so I left him alone.