And So It Begins

“Are you ok?”

“I’ll be ok. I’m ok.”

I’ve lost track of how often I’ve said those two sentences in the last 78 days, but it’s a lot. I think if I keep saying it over and over, eventually it will be true. Maybe I can convince myself, and not just everyone else.

I said it again today, several times, after JR came into my job, during my shift. And so it begins. “Are you ok??”  “I’m ok. I’ll be alright.” Don’t notice the uncontrollable shaking, or that I’m pacing the store like a caged animal with no place to hide. The fact I had to endure that sick, sadistic, poor excuse of a human beings presence for 45 long minutes. I could hear the glee in his voice when he saw me, see him. There are times when I hate being right. I hate that he is so very predictable. I hate that I ever laid eyes on him. Can’t he just prove me wrong? Every. Two. Weeks. Like clockwork.

I thank God that I am not under his roof any longer.

I know that for the most part I’m preaching to the choir. Most, if not all, of you get why him coming into my place of employment, even when I’m not there, bothers me. So this explanation is for those of you who don’t.

The Phone

Back in June I dropped my phone on the ground, getting out of his car, after we’d gone out for dinner. I didn’t realize it until hours later, and it had started raining just after we got home. He referred to his house as “our home” even though I had my own apartment, and he had been talking like that for a couple of months by that time. He would go so far as to correct me if I called it his house. “Our home” he’d say. Pffft

Phones don’t like being soaked in water for hours. I kept that phone for months until I could come up with the money to replace it, as I had a no contract phone, which I prefer. He’d repeatedly offered for me to use one of the unused lines on his plan that was (supposedly) left from his sister and niece. That would come with a two-year contract. I don’t like being stuck in a contract, and I really dislike his carrier, so I thought on it for a long time.

Since he’d already told my youngest he was thinking about marrying me, and we were talking about moving in, a two-year contract didn’t seem like a big deal. What’s a two-year commitment when we’re talking marriage? August 6 I get a phone on his plan. I pay for the activation, the phone and my bill.

That damn phone. How dare I speak to anyone besides him? “Who you talking to? Who you talking to? Who you talking to?”  “Um, my daughter. Is that ok?”  There will be an entire post on that fucking phone. Just know that once I had a phone on his plan he was obsessed with MY phone. No, nevermind that his phone went off all day long, every day. Don’t pay attention to that. Don’t pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

At the end of the relationshit all he was worried about was my phone, and replacing his phone. If I was going to continue to have a phone on his plan, after he broke up with me. At first I was going to pay the bill and keep that damn phone. Then I woke up and realized that he would use that thing against me every chance he could, as he already had been. He could shut it off when he felt like it, irregardless if I paid the bill or not, since he owns the line. A month before he had gone through my phone, and email account. He had already threatened to have my texts forwarded to his email prior. The audacity and self righteousness was amazing! I never, NEVER invaded his privacy. We lived in the same house, slept in the same bed, and I never went so far as to open his dresser drawers. If it wasn’t mine, I didn’t open it. I knew that if I was at the point where I was playing detective, then it was already over.

I ordered a different phone, got a different number and waited for it to come in the mail. I was so. sick. of. the. phone. It got there the day before I ended up moving out of the house. Great timing. If I had to communicate with him I did it with my old phone so that he didn’t have my new number.

Here’s where I screwed up. I gave him that phone (that I paid for), and the sim card (that I paid to have activated). I was being considerate, as us humans are sometimes known to be. There is no being considerate with a narcopath, not that you don’t end up paying for.  Since that phone had a new two-year contract, he was supposed to change the number to that sim card and cancel two of the lines to save himself some money every month. I could have terminated service early. I could have transferred my number to my new phone. But no, I gave him the whole kit and kaboodle. I factory reset that phone, BUT, I didn’t go through and manually delete the contacts that were saved on the sim card. I didn’t know that I had to, I thought a factory reset would wipe the whole thing clean. It didn’t. What did he do you ask?

Christmas Eve 2013

Christmas Eve was the turning point, when I knew for a fact that I was not safe from him, or around him. I had off that day, and slept into the afternoon. When I woke up and checked my phone, I had a text and a voicemail from my (male) friend “M”.

– “Hi if you get a chance give me a call I think I’m not sure but I’m almost positive its your ex so anyway give me a call I think I’m pretty positive it is your ex text me but anyway give me a call kinda curious” – He drives a lot so he uses text to talk, just fyi

The voicemail from him said pretty much the same thing. So I call M. He tells me that starting at 8am he has received 42 text messages, from JR using my old phone number pretending to be me. Texts that say things like, “I’m so hornie.”  “I haven’t had any in a while.”  “I need some relief from everything that’s going on right now.” “Is there some place quiet we can meet?” That sick fuck tried to set me up for a sexual encounter. Thankfully all that happened was finding out about the texts. That was not the case for this woman. Her ex posted her on Craigslist: http://articles.latimes.com/2010/jan/11/nation/la-na-rape-craigslist11-2010jan11

Hearing what he had been sending, all morning long, was yet another kick in the gut from him. There had been several of those since October. That made me think of that woman who was posted on Craigslist, and that what he did was too much like that. What if he’s talking to other men, pretending to be me, and he sends them into my work? What if he finds out where I live and starts sending people to my house? What will that sick fuck do next?

JR texted at least three other people that I know of, but since they saved my new number under my name and the texts came up with no name, they ignored them. He tried two of my male co workers and one other male friend. I got to warn people on Christmas Eve that my psychotic ex was being psychotic. Sorry, but he’s crazy. If he texted you please save the messages for the police. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

He posted naked pictures of me online that day as well. Merry Christmas. I’m almost positive he was in my email, re sending pictures that I had sent to him back in June and July. I thought he would wait to do anything because if he has three police contacts in a years time he will get fired from his job, and he was already at two for the year.

When I left I didn’t leave a forwarding address. As far as I know, he doesn’t know exactly where I live. I haven’t changed my address with the post office or the DMV yet because I’m afraid he will use his resources at his job to find out where I live.

The last communication he got from me was a cease and desist email regarding using my old phone number to text people posing as me. I went completely NO CONTACT after that.

He started coming into work last month. First, he asked my co worker (his flying monkey) if I was scheduled, and would come in when I wasn’t there. Of course I heard about it. My co workers knew what he did on Christmas Eve, they know I’m not safe from him. The second time he came in my co worker J overheard him say to my Angel that he doesn’t want to come in when I’m working because he’s, “trying to avoid drama.” Right. Then go to the other store, that I DON’T WORK AT. THAT’S how you avoid drama. You don’t come into my place of employment when there’s another store, not far from your house, that I DON’T WORK AT. You don’t ask my co workers/friends my schedule, you don’t put other people in that position.

I knew it was a matter of time before he didn’t “care” if I was there or not. I had not laid eyes on him, or stood in the same room for 78 days. And so it begins. Everything up until this point he’s done from a distance. So even though he has gotten nothing from me, he still continues.

And so it begins.

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So Far, So Good

I’m feeling pretty good this week, even though my youngest and I are getting over strep throat. Even though he popped stalked into work last week. Even though it will be that two week time again, and it’s likely to be big this time. How or what he will do, I’m not sure, but I’m sure it will be memorable. I’m sure he’ll try to see that I pay somehow. And it will be because of my phone. That pesky bit of technology that he hated so, especially at the end. Partially because it was mine and it connected me to others who weren’t him. Mostly because I must be using mine the same manner he was using his.

Because of the wrath of using my phone, communicating with anyone who wasn’t him, I withdrew. I don’t have a large circle of friends to begin with, I’m lucky I have any left after being in that all consuming suck hole of a relationshit.

This week I’ve got plans, with people that he knows, and I am a little nervous. I’m going to emerge from my protective bubble, from my cozy nest I’ve made. I will know by the end of this week if I will carry on with any of them, or if they will fall by the wayside like a couple of others. I plan on doing my best to enjoy myself, and not let him ruin that. This week I’m not afraid, I’m indifferent.  At least for now.

Well, You Picked Him

This was said to me twice by a good friend of mine. Once within of week of me moving out, and again last week. Both times I replied, “Um no. The guy I “picked” doesn’t exist. The guy that I wound up with at the end is not the guy I knew in the beginning.” I reminded my friend that he knows me, and he knows how I operate. He knows how careful I am about who I have in my life. It was especially hurtful to have this come from someone who sees, and supposedly reads, what I post about narcissists/sociopaths, who knows me. He has since apologized, but it echos in my mind. And I tell you what, third times a charm. If I hear that or anything close to that from him again, he will be gone as well. As one of the ladies in the group has said, I have found the enough button, and I’m not afraid to use it.

To me, that is akin to saying, “you asked for it” or “you deserved it”. I did not ask for it nor did I deserve it, and neither did my kids. I was nothing but loyal, faithful, forthcoming, honest, respectful, and blunt. The other thing I’m sick of hearing is, “just move on”. As if it was just a break up with a normal, functioning adult, instead of a stalking/harassing 6 year old in the body of a grown man.

I’ve found out who my friends are, and who I can trust. For that I am grateful. Honesty is such a huge thing for me, and I acknowledge it and appreciate it. I’ve had to let people go since leaving, because of them showing me who they really are. Again, I am grateful for that knowledge, it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t hurt. One of the last things I said to JR was, “Thank you for finally showing me who you really are. It makes it that much easier for me to leave.”

I realize that most people don’t understand. That is a blessing for them and a curse for us. They haven’t lived with it, perhaps have never heard of it, or maybe they just don’t want to understand. I’d heard the term narcissist, but thought it was someone with a huge ego. I didn’t have the information or experience that I have now. I hadn’t heard of NPD until I moved out and my friend Tanny pointed it out to me. I have thanked her a few times since, she really did help save my sanity. I found support groups that have been so helpful to me during the last 72 days of freedom. Now, if anyone asks about JR, I tell them to research NPD. That will help them to understand what I have been and continue to deal with.

The phrase I came up with to describe him is, “The narcopath in hippie clothing”. JR managed to keep his “mask” up for the first 10 months.  That’s how long it took for me to see a rage. Before that he continually avoided conflict, simply refused to acknowledge it. He didn’t flip the switch until I officially lived with him. Yes, he’d been pushing my boundaries, lying, and cheating the entire time, deep down I knew that. It was a gradual build up, a lot of the abuse was subtle. It wasn’t until I started having panic attacks that I realized that this was all too familiar to me. That my body was screaming at me to get out! I realized that he was my ex husband in a different body, with slightly different tactics.

In the course of my reading I realized that JR is not the first one that I’ve dealt with, there have been a few in my life. I aim for him to be the last.

I also realized that I’ve done this no contact thing before, I just didn’t know what it was called. It’s been two and a half years since I’ve talked to or seen my parents, and the rest of my extended family. It’s been closer to four years since I cut my bat shit crazy aunt (she is a RAGING narc) out of my life. I’m actually pretty good at no contact.

And my ex husband, the father of my oldest, well I always thought he was a sociopath. I’d looked into that years ago.

I may have picked them, but now I’ve picked me.

That’s Not How I Operate

I was thinking the other day that I could go through my posts and label all the tactics. See, look here, that’s triangulation. This right here would be hoovering. Here’s a little gaslighting for ya. And so on and so forth. If anyone else feels like pointing out the different tactics, feel free to do so. It helps to keep our narcdar fine tuned I think. – Constance

I found myself saying that to him a lot at the end. That’s not how I operate. It was a counter to “because that’s what you’re used to.” JR would say to me, “I only did/said (insert fucked up thing here) because that’s what you’re used to.” What started out as, “You deserve it.” in regards to being treated well, being told women make the world go round, bought clothes, taken out to dinner, him trying to pay for everything, and just being a decent guy in general, had turned into that.

Warning: I will be talking about bacterial vaginosis in this one. Just FYI.

What I was actually “used to” was being by myself. I hadn’t dated, much less lived with a love interest for the last thirteen years. After my youngest was born, I had pretty much been celibate for the better part of ten years. My youngest was a surprise, I had been taking the pill every day till I found out. I found out I was pregnant three months after kicking her father out, and getting a domestic violence restraining order against him. The fact that I went from an emotional and verbally abusive marriage, into a physically abusive relationship, freaked me out. I obviously wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, even though it was almost four years after my divorce. So I decided to forget about men and raise my kids by myself.

JR knew this, because I told him most of this in the very beginning during the getting to know you part. I told him that I hadn’t dated in a long time, that I don’t sleep with more than one person at a time. I even told him about the situation with Other Guy. I made it clear that I was used to being in monogamous relationships. I told him how paranoid I am about who I have around my children. That one of my rules is not having anyone I date around my children unless the relationship is serious. I told him I do background checks, check court records, and check the sex offender registry. I told him to look for me, and what he would find when he did look. I told him to look for me to reassure him that I wasn’t like his previous relationships. Now I’m sure I am like his previous relationships, since I don’t believe a word he said about any of them.

It’s easy to sit here and list all the times he screwed up, and all the chances I gave him over and over again. They are glaring points in my mind. Huge red banners that I see now, and wonder what the hell I was thinking. What is difficult to explain is the why. After all the hurt, the good has been difficult to remember.  Even though that’s what I was holding on to after he was showed how cruel he really was. He was amazing when we were together. He was such a great guy. He was sensitive, attentive, and caring. He was fun to be around and we enjoyed spending time together. He wanted a family, he wanted someone to make a life with, all the things that I wanted. It was great to be with him, we had amazing chemistry.

In the beginning he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. It was awesome. I went from a guy who didn’t want to touch me, to someone who couldn’t get enough of me. From someone who could care less if I was sexually satisfied, to someone who made sure that I was, that’s all he worried about during sex. He usually said and did all the right things. I developed feelings for him. I thought the relationship was going somewhere. I thought maybe he just did stupid stuff sometimes. If JR had acted like Other Guy (I should really call him summer guy)  from the beginning, it would have been completely different. If they were horrible right from the beginning, most people wouldn’t stay and put up with that shit. I like to believe that I wouldn’t have.

I don’t know how I forgot this, but by the end of January he was already talking about giving me a key to his house. I didn’t say yes or no to that, I actually acted like he didn’t mention that at all. I thought that was a bit soon to be talking about house keys, we’d only been seeing each other for just over two months. I certainly was not about to give him a key to my place at that point. I hadn’t even introduced him to my kids yet.

I’ve met his parents, he wants me to have keys to his house, he’s acting like I’m the only person he’s seeing.  I have doubts about that, and sleep with other guy two more times. JR ramps up the attention, Other Guy gets a girlfriend and I leave him alone. JR’s spending the night by my house.

Eventually JR and I stop using condoms. This was a huge deal. I hadn’t even told JR that I was on the pill for months. He was worried about a pregnancy, I didn’t have a problem using condoms. I made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen if we were sleeping with other people. When we stopped using condoms the bacterial infections started.  I go to the gyno, because there is no getting rid of it without antibacterial medication. I’ve had them infrequently in the past. I had them so often after we stopped condom use that for a bit we went back to using them. After the first several, I’m asking my gyno why I keep getting these. The first question I was always asked after they knew it was BV was, “Have you had any new sexual partners recently?” I could only speak for myself in saying no. When they seemed chronic my gyno finally said, “It’s your boyfriend.” he also said it was possible that I was allergic to his pre ejaculation, that could be too acidic and throwing off the balance. By some miracle in the coming months I stopped getting these infections. I have a couple of ideas as to why.

By March, he had all but disappeared. We still talked daily, hung out every so often, but a week or so would pass without seeing each other. He was working 16 hour days at times. I was working as much over time as I could. He’s building his room in the basement, which was moving slowly. I’m guessing March is when “B” came into the picture. Early April was a lot of the same, catch as you can. It felt off to me, but I tried not to stress about it. Sometime in here he almost finished his room in the basement. He had a bed and walls, but no doors, but still a room and not sleeping on the couch. He has decided that he’s going to help me quit smoking and get me a fancy expensive ecigarette. There was one week where he wanted to make plans for a Sunday, and then never got back to me. I assumed we were still on for the day, but he texts me saying that he has to help his friend “A” install an oil pump in his truck. Almost immediately after I get another text from him saying, “Have fun at school, can’t wait till 6” I lost it. It was obvious to me that he lied, he made plans with some other chick, and blew me off. Here again I tell him to fuck off. He quickly tries to cover up his mistake, saying that A refers to work as school because everyone there is so immature. Blah blah blah. Deny, deny, deny.

I told him that I didn’t believe him and that it hurt, but I don’t want to see him anymore. I will not abide a liar. He’s still texting me, several times a day. “Good morning” “Hope you had a great day” This is when I first started thinking he’s got me on some list, I’ll bet these are mass texts he’s sending out. Where I thought he was attentive to me, and wanting me to know his days off every week, wanting to make plans with me. Mass. Texts. Every day, to every contact in his phone. I told him to please stop, and he said, “What?” I told him he’s ripping my heart out by still contacting me. He said he wasn’t happy, he doesn’t want it to end, that he still wanted to see me, that really was A, and not some other girl. He’s back to telling my co-worker that he misses me and wants me back, after a few days he just stopped.

I didn’t do well with this. I missed him, even though I was hurt. I had second thoughts and text him asking him to call me because I want to talk. I felt it was the least I could do since that whole exchange was done through text. Nothing. I waited a day or two and gave him a call. He basically told me he wasn’t going to “beg” to be in my life, that he had given up. He still insisted that it really was an oil pump. We talked for a bit, smoothed things over, he told me his days off and wanted to make plans. His days off came and went, with nothing from him. None of the usual “good morning” “good afternoon” “hope you had a great day” texts from him, and no response to mine. I took that as the silent treatment, and was ready to say fuck it again. I told him that no matter how angry I was with him, after New Years I always responded to him. He calls me to go get lunch. He explains that he’d hadn’t slept for something like three days and took a couple sleeping pills from his roommate, and proceeded to sleep for the better part of two days. I accepted his explanation.

What Can We Do?

I want legal resources for dealing with these sick people and the often times criminal things they do to their targets/victims. Obviously the law differs from state to state, and different countries. Unless it’s federal it won’t be across the board in the United States. Since I’m trying to be somewhat anonymous I will only say that I’m from the Midwest United States.

Tela Hill posted here about the various things that have/can be done to targets during the smear campaign and the devalue and discard. But how do you find these things? If anyone has any pointers, please share them along with any resources or suggestions in dealing with those things.

First and foremost DOCUMENT everything. Dates, times, places, interactions. Print out and save email communications, text messages. Document, document, document! This will go for restraining/harassment orders and the like. While restraining orders are not bullet proof, they are the start of a legal paper trail.

The relationship I was in was abusive. It took a while for me to spit out that word to describe what I had just escaped from, and I do mean escaped. I’m still in hiding. The abuse was gradual, and it took me a while to identify it, even though it had been pointed out as being toxic as early as August, two months before I gave up my apartment. (I had not left his house for more than a handful of days since May of last year.)  He was controlling. He was mentally, verbally, emotionally, and towards the end, physically abusive.

After his mask slipped, and he had me where he thought I had no place to go, it got physical. On a particularly horrible “family” day with him, he smacked me in the head “accidentally” when we were at dinner with my friends. I say accidentally, because he made it look like an accident, it was no accident. When I moved my chair away from him he threw a fit, “NOW YOU DON’T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ME?!?!”   “You just HIT ME.  No I don’t want to sit next to you!” He didn’t apologize, just sat there fuming. His behavior that entire day was deplorable. He was completely miserable, nasty, cruel, and determined to make me and my youngest miserable. I believe it was a few days later that he knocked over a standing fan at me, which then hit me, during a discussion. I lasted approximately a month and a half after the fan incident. I have no doubt that if I would have stayed it would have gotten so much worse. As it were the “good times” were shorter and shorter, only lasting about a week at a time, if that.

Pointers for escaping an abusive relationship from Dr. Phil, and sheknows.com and the Robin Mcgraw app.

Since leaving, I periodically Google search my name in quotations. I’ve also Google searched my phone number, including my old phone number, email address, and any user name I have used on websites. I’m thinking if there’s a posting a Craigslist or something it should come up. After what he did on Christmas Eve I wouldn’t put it past him to post me on Craigslist.

For the stalking/harassment there are restraining orders/protection orders/protection from abuse orders. Here’s some information on cyberstalking and harassment laws by state.

Revenge porn. This is one I’m dealing with. He’s a classy guy, what can I say. He was a very busy little boy this past Christmas Eve. (That was 13 days after I left. Again with the two week clock.) Here’s a website I found to report the pictures. Here’s another website.

Extracting Poison

The week I left I wanted to make him hurt like he hurt me, or humiliate him, out him to “Al” his side piece. I had all sorts of ideas. I thought about taking salt and writing “cheater” in the snow on his front lawn. I wanted to print a bunch of signs with different words to tape to the walls of his bedroom. Words like: selfish, self centered, liar, cheater, genital warts, con artist, deceiver, phony, prick, asshole, user, sadistic, high risk, abuser, vicious, cruel, whore. I wanted to print his many dating/swinger profiles and tape them up along with all those words, plaster his bedroom walls with them. Knowing she would see them first, since they’d run and duck in his basement bedroom right after coming into the house. I think that was the most creative idea I had. One of my friends suggested sticking a piece of fish in the box spring of his bed to rot. I thought of telling Al to google search his screen name, or phone number so that she would find his numerous active dating profiles.

I did none of those things.

What I wanted more was to get out and get far away from this evil person (for lack of a better term) who delighted in hurting us. We didn’t spend another night in that house. I went back to get my belongings, when he was at work and only the roommate was home. I took what was important to me and left the rest. Just the thought of having to go back to that house, even when he wasn’t there, started me shaking.

I had nightmares the first month that I was out, that is when I was able to sleep. I’m finally sleeping, without the nightly use of sleep aids, for the last three weeks. I started taking vitamin D3 and vitamin B complex daily. I believe it’s helped my mood and my sleeping.

I have gradually started doing the things I wasn’t allowed to do while I was with him. Like talking to people outside of work, reading, reading and more reading. Reconnecting with friends, spending time with my kids, watching TV, and walking.

The weight is still falling off. I’m eating, drinking protein shakes daily, and eating junk food. I think there’s still too much stress. I don’t own a scale, so I don’t know exactly how much I weigh. Note to self, buy bathroom scale.

I no longer think of him, or what he’s done constantly through out the day. Though there’s some days I have to take 5 minutes at a time. I’m recognizing triggers, which is helping. I’m not walking around in a state of disbelief like I was right after.

I keep hoping he’ll stop, finally just leave me alone, instead of coming back to twist the knife.

Enter the Flying Monkey and Let’s Meet the Parents

                                 circusmonkeys

To start, I am in no way a professional therapist, or shrink. I came by this information from reading everything I can find on the subject of narcissism and sociopaths. The things that I was experiencing in the relationship with JR made no sense to me at all. Some of the behaviors were a little too familiar to me, but it wasn’t until I moved and a friend of mine told me, “IT’S NOT YOU!!” That’s when I learned about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, and when everything he did finally made sense! She’s one of several of my sanity savers. If it wasn’t for my good friend “Angel” who let us move in, and my friend “Tanny” I don’t know where or how we would be right now.

I knew of flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. I’ve never thought of people as flying monkeys until recently. In the terms of narcissism/sociopath, a flying monkey is someone the narcopath sends out to do their dirty work for them. Abuse by proxy. They’ll send their monkeys to gather information about the target and report back to the narc. They might have their flying monkeys do things to the target. The narcopath will use anyone that they possibly can as a flying monkey. Everyone in the narcopath’s life serves a purpose and are in compartments, as least that’s how it is with JR. Here is a great explanation of abuse by proxy/flying monkeys:  http://almosttuesday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/abuse-by-proxy-abuse-by-stalking/ Why or how this particular friend/co-workers of MINE is a flying monkey of his, becomes clearer as time goes by. It was not something I identified until after I moved out.

This post is a little on the rambling side, please bear with me.

I didn’t want to see or talk to him anymore so he went to MY friend/co-worker. She had been the one to sort of set us up in the first place. I was tired of the guy that I had been dealing with the previous summer. (He was a piece of work himself. Another indication that I need to work on ME.) She knew this great guy. He had experience with kids since he’d had custody of his nieces for two years. He had a steady job, vehicle, and owned his own house. He really seemed to have his shit together. She gave him my number, aaaaaaaaand he never got a hold of me. I’d told her that if he wanted to talk to me that he needed to contact me first. I should have stuck to my guns. A couple of weeks went by and still nothing. I spent Thanksgiving by my friend’s house, drank some wine on an empty stomach and sent a “Happy Thanksgiving” text to JR. (I know, ugh) It was my first holiday in a new city, and it had been the first Thanksgiving I didn’t spend with family. I’ll address the family business later.

I’m not talking to him after the New Years incident and he starts working on my friend, telling her how miserable he is, blah blah blah. This is the same girl who made the point at New Years that him and I weren’t exclusive. I went and slept with the guy that I was dealing with the summer before. Not the healthiest, or most mature decision I could make, I own that. I had decided that I had been putting myself in a monogamous relationship where I was the only one being monogamous.  Up till then I was too available to JR, as he often called me last minute to go do things instead of making plans in advance. I started turning him down when he did that since I felt like I was the back up girl. I didn’t believe his bullshit about De, and it would take him months to admit to what I already figured out. (Like I said, it should have ended here.) I slept with other guy two more times, (in February) and was determined not to feel guilty about it. I decided to give JR another chance. Maybe he was telling the truth. (NOT!) Perhaps it was a miscommunication. (Not in the least.) We were not exclusive. I’m back to seeing him.

I should mention that up until about mid January, when we spent time together it was just the two of us. There were a couple of times I invited him out with my friends, but he already had plans. I finally met “D” the roommate at one of the Monday nights at Hooters. (JR’s Monday night ritual.) I hadn’t been around any of his other friends since his birthday party, he hadn’t even attempted.

We went out once, towards the end of January, with his friends “L” and “A”, a married couple a bit younger than JR. (I should mention that I am almost 10 years older than JR.) They weren’t at his birthday, I had never met them before. I was happy because it seemed like he had been hiding me. At that point he hadn’t told me that L and A were swingers, not that that’s something people really advertise. I remember going back to JR’s house that night and he told me that L texted him telling him I was really sexy. I just said thanks. There were some other comments through the course of the evening that I dismissed as jokes. Supposedly JR’s parents are swingers. He told me that early on, probably the first night at bowling. I remember him telling me that it freaked him out so much at the time that he went to live with his grandfather as a teenager. His parents are “hippies”, and that’s what he grew up around.

Meeting the Parents

In early February I was spending the night by his house at least twice a week. At this point we were seeing each other often, at least three days a week. I believe it was the week before Valentine’s Day when I first met his dad. There was no warning, or discussion. JR asked if I wanted to go catch lunch, I met him at the fast food place and surprise! There’s his dad. To me, meeting parents is a significant thing. That is usually an indication that things are getting serious.  When I had to take my car in to have the control arm fixed, he had his mom give me a ride to the shop since he was at work. Now I’ve met both parents. This was confusing to me.

I did introduce him to my youngest after meeting his parents, it was a brief interaction.  I didn’t introduce him to my oldest till much later. (She lives with her dad.) He took me out to buy me sexy underwear and a corset because “you deserve it.”  – I heard that a lot in the beginning, “You deserve it.”  Our Valentine’s Day (before the 14th) was a Die Hard movie marathon at the theater, where he repeatedly tried to get me to have sex with him anywhere in the theater. I was game for the movies, no way for the sex. I kept telling him I didn’t want to get banned from my favorite theater. That day he had another friend who needed a place to stay, move in. JR decided to build a room in the basement and gave his friend his bedroom. In the meantime JR is sleeping on the couch in the living room. Some where around this time is when I first hear about his “friend” JC, who he describes as his clone. De has been labeled as a “gold digger” who wants a sugar daddy. He claims to not see her any more, and doesn’t talk to her often.

Because of all the time we were spending together, and meeting his parents, I was feeling guilty about other guy. I asked again what he considered us. Was I a booty call, or something casual, or what. He told me he didn’t at all consider me a booty call, what we had was more than that, but he was still “rolling with it.” He wouldn’t elaborate as to what that meant. He also said, “I don’t like putting a label on things.” I asked if he introduces all his friends to his parents, he said that he didn’t. He felt I was “special” and that’s why he wanted me to meet them. He wanted to know if there was competition. I told him no, as I only wanted to be with JR. After that conversation I came to the conclusion that he was in fact seeing other people, even though he was acting like he wasn’t. Other guy made it known he now had a girlfriend, so I left him alone.

Happy New Year 2013

It’s frustrating that my memory, which is usually sharp, is somewhat foggy now. I attribute that to dealing with his BS for the last year. Trying to remember what incident set off which argument, disappearing act, etc has been somewhat of a challenge. I have great clarity about the beginning and the end. What I have trouble with is the middle, especially the stuff that happened when I lived with him and dealt with that shit 24/7.

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Where I Left Off

In December he had a roommate move in, a friend of a friend needed a place to stay. I don’t think I actually laid eyes on D until mid January last year. D is very cool, Australian by birth, so he’s got an awesome accent. Also, an epic beard, but that’s got nothing to do with being British. 😉 There are few things that I look fondly on from the past year, meeting him is one of them.

Looking back, JR flaked out around every holiday. He did it Christmas 2012, for sure New Years Eve that year, Valentine’s Day 2013.

Christmas 2012, when he was “responding” to P’s texts in his drunken state, I gave him a pass. (No need to beat me up for it, I’ve already kicked my own ass.) For Christmas I had gotten him a mini leg lamp from A Christmas Story and was set to give it to him after New Years Eve.

His compliments to me during this time were something else. He was crossing stuff off his bucket list. He couldn’t believe that he was with someone who’s (looks like) a Suicide Girl. He wanted to buy me sexy outfits, underwear.  Oi vey. The day before New Years Eve I was by his house, using his washer & dryer. – BTW that’s one of his ploys. He uses it often, offering up his washer and dryer. He did it with me, JC, and the couple we met at Hooters. But I digress. – He invited me out with him for New Years Eve. He was showing me the outfit he was planning to wear for the Stellar Sparks event when told me he still had a ticket left, and asked if I wanted to come with. I said that I would see if I could manage it.

We both headed off to work and later that day I made arrangements for my kids on New Years Eve so I could go. About 9 hours after the invitation I let him know I would go, and I get a text that says, “I think I sold the other ticket” Um, ok. You think you sold the other ticket? He made it sound like he sold it to someone at work. He had several excuses as to why he sold the ticket, I was supposed to have the kids, I had to work the next morning. Ok, fine.

New Years Eve, my car wouldn’t start. I asked him if he could help me out with that, as he does side work on cars. He had come down with a cold a few days before, and couldn’t come look at my car, but said he could give me a ride to work on the 2nd of January. For the record, I tried to fix my car myself and couldn’t figure out the problem. New Years Eve there was a lot of hemming and hawing from him. He didn’t want to see me because he didn’t want to get me sick, he didn’t know if he was going to go because he wasn’t feeling well. Poor, poor him. In the end he went, loaded up on cold medicine.

I got a mass text with a picture of him wishing Happy New Year the next day. He gave me a ride to work on the 2nd. On the way in he talked about how he tried to sell his tickets (plural) on Craigslist, but people only wanted to pay half of what they were worth. Since he couldn’t at least make his money back he decided that he was going to go even though he was sick. All that kept echoing in my head was, he said TICKETS! After getting home from work I go onto Facebook and see that he’s uploaded his pictures from New Years, and he brought another girl. Wow. Enter “De”.

To properly introduce De, I have to back track to JR’s birthday back at the end of November 2012. His birthday was a week after we started talking. He’d invited everyone at our store to his 3 day birthday celebration. (Yes, 3 days) The first day was at a bar, I didn’t go. I went to his house party which was the second day. The third day was at a strip club, supposedly one of his exs works there, I’m guessing it’s #2. I didn’t go to that day either. I met De at his house party. She said she met him off Craigslist looking for someone to go to a concert with her and he was the only guy who didn’t send her a picture of his penis, so she figured he must be alright. I knew she spent the night by his house, I also knew that she didn’t drive at the time and lived in a different city. This was a week in to talking to him, and I had no expectations of him at that time. We were just getting to know each other. Before going to his house for the party I asked what he was looking for from me, his response was “I’m just rolling with it, if that’s ok.” I had no clue what that meant. After the party I figured him and De were more than “just friends”. I’d asked JR about her after his party, he denied anything intimate, and protested about her age. (She was 19 at the time, he just turned 29.) He said she has a boyfriend, and that she was trying to go behind his back, which JR didn’t like. (Another reoccurring theme.) Weeks later, before I was intimate with him I asked the questions how long since he’d had sex, had he been tested lately, etc. It had been months since he’d had sex, since  before P had kicked him out of his bedroom. Blah, blah, blah.

Back to New Years Day, we’d been seeing each other for a month and a half and I was floored after seeing the pictures.  A friend at the time tried to say, “Well, you guys aren’t exclusive.” That was not the point. Why bother to invite me at all? I hadn’t asked him what he was doing for New Years, not even hinted. There was no obligation to invite me. Then to lie about selling the ticket, that’s what bothered me the most. Invite me, UNinvite me, and then posted pictures of another girl. So when he texted me that night, I didn’t respond. I got a text asking, “Why am I being ignored?!” Later that night I got a couple of phone calls from a blocked number, that I didn’t answer. The next day he’s still texting me. I told him that it was a shitty thing that he did. He puts himself out there that he’s open, honest and respectful. It was hurtful and unnecessary. He swore he only had one ticket to sell, that was his ticket. She had already bought her ticket well before. What I heard him say in the car was not what happened, he wouldn’t do something like that. He’s not that kind of person. Here’s where he starts texting my friend/co worker telling her that he’s in “a black cloud” because I don’t want to talk to him or see him anymore.

This Is Where It Should Have Ended…

But it didn’t.

It’s Like Clockwork Really

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I have several counters going: It’s just over two full months since I moved out, it’s nearly two full months of no contact, and now starting the counter over again for “incidents” involving the ex narcopath. We’ll just call him JR.

Almost on the nose, every two weeks, it’s the big play for attention. Today JR came into my work, again. I wasn’t working today, but that doesn’t matter. He could and should go to the other store, that I don’t work at, to do business. Two weeks to the day prior to this, someone logging onto my online tax account and changed my password. I’m guessing to try and get my current address, or just to fuck with me.

No more hesitation, I know what needs to be done.

He Puts the Veneral Disease in Valentine’s Day

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That’s how I got through yesterday. Friday was difficult, I was off work, and of course it was VD. I was on guard, it’s been 11 days since his last stunt, (SOMEONE logged into my online tax account and changed my password.) and my nerves are only just calming down. That’s usually when he strikes again, when I’ve gotten comfortable. I told a friend of mine that I would be happy if I make it through the weekend narcopath free. So far, so good. I spent yesterday with my youngest and my good friend, who dragged me out of the house to go dress shopping. It’s been extremely difficult for me to be in public lately, my anxiety has been so high. Add to that, I’m really not a window shopping girl. When I shop I know what I’m going for, I go, I get it and I get out. I dislike malls, although I made $8 in the first half hour we were in there yesterday (doing secret mall stuff) which was alright. I took that as a good omen.

I spent more time thinking about him yesterday then I care to admit, none of it was good. I just knew that he would be wining and dining his side piece, only to twist the knife, because the holiday itself means nothing to him. He flaked out on me this time last year. Made a big thing of taking me out to buy me a corset and frilly underwear the week before, to get a “happy VD text” just like all the other 200+ contacts in his phone. I didn’t look any where, for any signs of him or what he did yesterday. (YAY ME!) It was tempting, but I like not being in extreme emotional pain better then finding out I was right. I am not a glutton for punishment. It’s two months since I moved out and a month and a half no contact. I pretty much went no contact before I moved out of the house. I had already deleted and blocked him on Facebook due to his night time poor me posts all over my Facebook. After he paraded his side piece through the house I didn’t speak to him. It was all business from there. Even the last emails I sent to him were all business, nothing emotional. Another go me! moment.

I bought myself some new clothes, since most of what I own is too big for me. I’m guessing I’ve lost around 20lbs since leaving, maybe more. Got my youngest a new jacket so I can get the old one back to the narcopath, or just set it on fire, I don’t know yet. Either way I don’t want to look at it any more. Next shopping trip with be with another friend for new frilly underthings since I left anything that he bought for me there. Bad ju ju. He can try and stuff his new cow into them, I wasn’t taking them with. I will call her what I feel like due to her getting off on hurting my child and I as much as he did. She had the same sick smirk on her face he had, so she deserves what’s coming to her. Just in case someone feels like piping up about her being just as much a victim as I was. Nope. There were others that I’m sure fell for his bullshit like I did, but they didn’t behave the way his side piece did. I feel sorry for those other girls. Moving on.